Dead Or Alive

Belong

My life was weird now.

I spent my mornings working and afternoons training although most of that training was just a cover to watch Vulcan. He tried to ignore me the best he could, but I wasn't having it. He has hurt me long enough, and I want him, so in turn I will have him.

I spent so much time being depressed and wallowing in self pity that I didn't even think about doing what I'm good at. Tempting people. But it wasn't just that I wanted Vulcan it was also because doing this gave me a certain sense of life and spark. It felt right, and I wasn't going to stop until I understood a truth I knew was hiding somewhere.

I felt something in me that said there was something more, and if I'm wrong then I'm wrong, but if I'm right.......

I really didn't know, but I felt like this was one of those things you don't have to. You just have to feel and the rest will come. I could've been crazy, but at this point I didn't care.

I slipped out of my jeans and t-shirt and picked up my sweats to put on. I was going to go training. The entire situation was a win-win because one, extra training is good and two sweaty, shirtless Vulcan. Some might've  said I should try to get over him, and that this was only making things worse, but at that point it couldn't get worse.

I had to try because if I didn't I knew I'd just wither away, and if he rejects me again then I'll wither away too. So I might as well had said I tried. I needed him, and I wanted him, and I'd never be able to ignore that. This wasn't just a crush. I loved him. There was something deep in my bones that dragged me to him, and I couldn't just ignore or wish that away no matter how hard I tried.

Sometimes he'd look back at me with the same blank expression and fiery eyes I always saw. I'd freeze and look back at him, and we'd have heartbreaking conversations with only our eyes. Just to say screw it and chase the same hurt. I did it for him, and I had a feeling that he did it for me too.

We never really talked after our conversation in the dining room. We would say words to each other sometimes, asking what we wanted for breakfast or goodnight, but we never really talked. But we didn't need to; what could be said? I loved him, and he didn't love me, and I was chasing a pointless fantasy. I figured he didn't say anything because he couldn't be bothered or simply didn't care. But knowing Vulcan it was most likely out of respect and politeness.

That was just the way he was. I don't think he realized him being "polite" only made things worse. I was torn in two, did I want him to be rude and reject me or love me? I couldn't decide, but my heart already had. I wanted him to love me even if it hurt. Because that pain was a drug just like the love I felt for him was. So I continued to chase that "pointless fantasy" in whatever way I could. It was funny what crazy things love could make you do.

That crazy love was all I had left. So why not die for it?

I pounded down the steps, two at a time, to reach the bottom of the steps, and I quickly ran off to the training feilds. I found the top class of warriors being lead by a very hot and shirtless Vulcan. His dark skin was covered in sweat, and my eyes drew to the few tattoos he had. He looked massive standing there and unbelievably dominant. I watched almost not breathing as he led the men.

I suddenly felt self conscious of myself. I had never felt that way before, but when it came to things I cared about, really cared about I was always nervous and anxious. Vulcan made me feel so nervous and alive at the same time which I had never felt before. It filled me with doubts he could kill with just a look or encourage with a nod. It was all so nerve racking and bipolar. But that was part of love, wasn't it?

I wanted him more than I could express, but sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve him. Everything was so screwed to hell, yet I kept running deeper into the hell for him. The hell in my head buzzed as I watched him feeling more unsure of myself than ever. Thinking about doing something and actully doing it were two very diffrent things.