Dead Or Alive

Perfect

It had been nearly a month since I had talked to Vulcan. He kept to his word by not speaking to me or interacting with me. At times we would stop and exchange longing looks before he would look away and storm out of the room. None of it felt right. It was all so painful and blurred. The pain became so unbearable at times I couldn't even see and sometimes I was too weak to walk.

It got to the point were my body and brain just began to numb everything because it knew the pain was too powerful for me to bare. I'm not sure why it hurt this much, but I didn't care; it didn't matter. Knowing wouldn't make it hurt anything less, maybe even more.

Every night my mind would flash back to that night. Back to the tree, back to the words we spoke, back to our goodbye. I had held onto Vulcan for dear life and eventually I feel asleep, and when I woke up Vulcan was gone. I had cried and cried and didn't come out of my room for two days. But what hurt the most was that nobody noticed except one person, but he didn't come.

I didn't understand how he could say he wanted me along and then leave me. I didn't understand any of it, but it really didn't matter if I understood or not. It wouldn't change anything, and it seemed the more I knew the more it hurt. All I ever wanted was for Vulcan to want me like I wanted him and then all of a sudden he did. And then he said he couldn't have me because he wanted me safe.

I thought I wanted Vulcan to want me but really I wanted him to have me. To not leave me. Now the pain was only worse knowing that he had wanted me and still left. Leaving me an empty shell of a man and what was worse was that he didn't even explain why. Leaving me with doubts that ripped me apart. He claimed to care about me but kept breaking me apart! And he didn't even have the decency to tell me why!

I could take care of myself so his bullshit reasoning only made me angrier. All I ever felt anymore was anger. Anger that I still loved Vulcan and that I always would. Angry that he had left me without a reason. Angry that he had hid his feelings for me. Angry for everything he put me through but mostly anger because I would never take any of it back if I had the chance.

Every sweet little thing Vulcan did for me came back to me in waves crushing me under the memories. Everytime he took a beating for me when we were locked up with The Docter, every time when we were locked away that he gave me his food. Everytime when I was cold he gave me his jacket, everytime he looked ready to break when I got injured.

All of it made it so much more unbearable. Knowing how sweet he treated me and looking at it as it really was killed me. Because it made me love him more just to remind me I couldn't have him.

But dammit, I just wanted to know why!

Maybe if he had told me why I could understand, but I knew I wouldn't. I never could. I would die for the love I had for Vulcan; I already was. I was willing to die in the name of our love, and I wanted to do that for a love that was something more than this pain. I wanted it all. Not just a moment. I wanted the hurt and the passion; I wanted a reason. I just needed a reason why he was killing me for this repressed love. But maybe our love was reason enough for this.

If he was doing this because he loved me then I would I get myself killed because I loved him. Maybe it was crazy, but it was what I felt, and it was what my heart wanted. And the heart always gets what it wants, and it always wants what it wants. My heart would die for what it wanted, so I just wanted Vulcan to not care, to say screw it. To be selfish. For his heart to be selfish for me.

But I knew he was torn in two, and I wasn't quite sure why. I knew he wanted to be selfish and have me, and I knew he wanted to kill himself by being selfless and keep me safe. The heart was a killer all in itself. His torn heart tore me apart too and soon it would rip him and I apart, but I knew I would love all the pieces of him.