Dead Or Alive

Sacred

I sat in my room at Arden Castle trying to focus on the papers in front of me. A vampire clan had wanted permission for something, but I couldn't even begin to focus on it. All of it just became blurred after awhile. I loved leading my people and taking care of them; being a King is one of the few things that felt right in my life, but I didn't feel right, so I'm not leading them the way I should.

I can never focus anymore. Just blurred lines where my motivation should be and after awhile it becomes impossible. People need my help, but I can't even help myself. It all becomes pointless feeling after awhile. After all, doing the right thing is hard when you have nothing to do it for and no reason why. If you have no reasons how could you do something.

I do my job but not the way I should, not the way I could. Although everyday that seems to matter less and less, and that scares me. Although I know one day I won't care about that either.

I like to think I put on a good face. I'd like to think people see me diffrent than I am. And I know they do. They don't know how self conscious or scared I am. Or how confused and lost. But I can't blame anyone but me for that. It's funny how I try so hard to look strong, but a part of me wants someone to notice. Wants someone to care. And the one person I really want to care, doesn't.

And suddenly the hurt becomes blurred and where hope once layed apathy takes it's place, and after awhile it all becomes numb because even I know I can't handle what I feel, so it becomes nothing. Where impulsive urges are acted on because one doesn't care. That's what I've become. After long even the things I once loved will mean nothing to me.

Except one person. The only person I don't feel an empty sense of apathy for. The only person I actully feel something for when I see him, but he doesn't feel anything. And I know one day even he will become empty to me because there won't be anything left of me to care, besides an empty body.

It's already started. First I wasn't hungry, and then I was tired. Then I couldn't sleep, and after awhile I couldn't smile. And suddenly I didn't care about something little I had once cared about, and then I didn't care about bigger things. Now I don't care about much of anything. Now I don't smile. Now I don't laugh. Now I just rot, and the thing is I don't care about that anymore either.

A knock at my door pulled me from my thoughtless haze. There wasn't much for me to think about anymore. None of it mattered. Where thoughts had once run wild there was just a silence. Just me looking for any type of feeling besides nothing.

I rose from my chair slowly; my body feeling much heavier than I remembered it. I hadn't gain weight, yet it took a lot of strength just to stand. Everything felt heavy now, just a heavy, dizzy haze I couldn't escape from.

I made my way to my door slowly, my shoulders lowered almost in defeat. Defeat from what I'm still not sure. Maybe me, maybe my resolve, maybe my failer to care. As much as this feeling existed I never accepted it; I just let it take me because I didn't have the strength to fight it. They are different. I never wanted this, but I never had a reason to fight it.

It scared me to think about what I would become if I did let go and accept what I had become. To completely stop caring. But there was one person I couldn't bring myself to stop caring about, and I'm not sure anymore if I should care or not. Sometimes I don't want to, but other times it's all I have left.

Vulcan is going to kill me one day, and when that day comes I don't think I'll care.

I pulled the door open to meet a chest covered in an ironed, white t-shirt. I felt my heart rate spike and my blood turn cold although the rest of me was heating up. There was only person I knew that was that tall, only one person who smelled like nature and an off brand soap I didn't know name of. All I knew was that I was staring at Vulcan's chest.