Torn // H.S.

Chapter 23

James hasn't brought up Harry again since our talk yesterday, and I am grateful because I'm not sure where I stand on the topic right now. I have been so angry the last few days. Hurt has settled so deep into the crevices of my heart that I couldn't focus on anything else. But now, James has stirred something in me that I can't seem to stop. I'm not sure what to do. I was ready to let Harry go. I don't want to waste my time fighting for someone who doesn't want me to fight for them. I was ready to wallow in the hurt and the hole he left me in, and eventually move on. But now my head hurts just as much as my heart.

Instead of talking about my love life we have talked endlessly about Erin. Well, James talked and I listened, most of the time. From what I can tell he is head over heels in love with her. I won't be surprised if he proposes by the end of this year. She is away on a work trip right now, otherwise she spends most nights at his place. Her lease ends next month and he is going to ask her to move in with him he says. I have never seen him so happy. It's like we are little kids all over again. A giddy smile takes over his entire face every time he says her name. I am happy for him, but part of me wishes I could share in his same joy right now.

After our talk last night my mind has been dissecting every moment Harry and I have shared trying to figure out if it's possible he feels the same way I do. The words were all there, but words can be deceiving. His actions the last two times I saw him tell me a completely different story. My head is telling me to not put myself in the same position I was in so many years ago. To let him go while it's still possible and move on as if this past month never happened. But everything else in me is pulling me back to him, to the way his eyes shined and his lips stretched into a heart stopping smile every time he looked back at me. To the way my skin tingled and my heart raced every time his fingers touched my skin. I don't want to hurt worse than I already do, but I'm tired of fighting the need to hear his voice.

James knocks on the guest door asking if I'm ready to go yet, and pulling me from my thoughts. We are going out for taco Tuesday at his favorite Mexican restaurant with some of his friends. I think he can tell that I just need a break, some time to figure out what I'm doing. Sometime to just relax and breathe. I need to figure out what I want from both Harry and Julie, and more importantly what I want for myself.

"Coming!" I yell through the door as I grab my purse and take one last look at myself in the mirror. My hair slightly curled, and I actually put time into doing my make up tonight. I have on my favorite grey sweater paired nicely with my black jeans and boots. I feel good, better than I have in days.

The night flies by without me noticing. Before I know it I am stumbling over my own feet back into the guest room. James' friends were so nice. There ended up being six of us so it was a nice size group. There was one couple, I can't seem to remember their names. I didn't talk to them much, it was one of James's coworkers and his girlfriend. Then there was Rob and Dean. Rob went to college with James so I have met him once or twice before, and Dean was another one of James's new coworkers. I laughed harder than I have in a long time tonight. Rob has always been charming and flirty but in a completely innocent way. He is one of those people who puts you in a good mood just being around him. And Dean, he was incredibly funny, the naturally kind of funny with witty comments and sarcasm laced in every word, and he was stunningly handsome. The clean cut kind of handsome, with fresh suits and well groomed hair. Between them and my brother I lost track of how many pitchers of margaritas we finished. All I know is that tonight I was laughing so hard I was crying and my sides hurt and my face hurt and I felt good.

"Shit," I curse to myself as I stumble again in the dark trying to find the bed. My hands finally feel the soft fabric of the comforter as I collapse onto the bed and unzip my boots tossing them to the floor. My phone vibrates again inside my purse somewhere on the floor but I'm too tried to check it. I feel my eyes getting heavy as soon as my head hits the pillow.