Torn // H.S.

Chapter 31

His door looks the same as it always does, but standing here feels different, like maybe this is the last time I will ever stand here. Graduation is only a few days away and I know it's time. I can't wait any longer I have to tell him I'm leaving. I can't keep putting off the goodbye I don't want to face because it's not fair to him. I knock on the door knowing he is expecting me.

When he opens the door his emerald eyes are bright and his smile carefree. He has no idea. He immediately wraps me in his arms lifting my feet off the ground and pulling me into his apartment.

"Hiya beautiful," he laughs.

When I don't respond he leans back to look at my face and knows something is wrong. I can only imagine what I look like right now based on how I feel, probably like I'm about to throw up.

"What's wrong?" He questions his smile fading as he steps away from me.

"There's something I need to tell you," I say quietly bracing myself for the conversation I have been dreading. His face drops and all the joy he had moments ago is gone.

"What is it?" He asks and I can see the concern cover his face.

"Umm," I look at the ground trying to gather the courage to tell him. Knowing I'm going to break not only his heart but my own in the process. "I applied for an internship back in December. I received a letter yesterday. They are offering me the position." I mumble staring at my hands to much of a coward to meet his eyes.

A giant smile covers his face making his dimples pop. "Babe, that's amazing! Congratulations!" He rushes to hug me, but I put my hand out to stop him.

"It's in New York," I blurt out not knowing how else to say it and the smile he had disappears. Anger flashes behind his beautiful eyes and I try to remain steady.

"You're leaving?" He asks without emotion.

"Yes," I whisper as I try to hold my composure.

"When?" He asks through gritted teeth and I can see his jaw clenching.

I hate this. I kept putting this off thinking it would change something. But I was always going to end up here, breaking his heart. Not only his but my as well. I may be the one leaving but it's only because if I don't I'm afraid I will regret it and blame him. At least this way when or if we meet again maybe we can try again.

"After graduation." I mumble trying to remain steady.

"Fuck Allie!" He yells throwing his hands in the air and then running them through his hair. His outburst makes me flinch and I can no longer keep the tears back as they start to fall down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I cry.

I have to look away from him because I can't stand the pain I can see in his eyes that I have caused. Before I can register his movement, his arms are around me pulling me into his familiar embrace. I can't help the sob that comes out when his arms tighten around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry love. I didn't mean that," he apologizes resting his head on top of mine.

I tuck my head into his chest and wrap my arms around his waist letting myself enjoy the feeling of him. "I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you, but I have to Harry. This has been a dream for so long. I can't just give it up," I say through the tears. "I would stay if I could. You have to believe me Harry," I plead with him.

"It's okay love, it's okay. I know," I can feel him sigh into my hair and I know he is fighting to hold in his emotions for me which only makes me feel worse.

We laid on his couch for hours after that. Neither one of us speaking just enjoying the warmth and feeling of the other. His scent lingering on my clothes.

When I went to leave later that night he asked me for space and even though it broke me to agree, I knew I had to give him that. I wanted to yell and tell him that I only had days before I left. Remind him that he could have all the space he wanted after that, but I think that was the point. He knew I was leaving and being together before I left would only make it harder. I owed him this.

****

Graduation day was far more emotional than I thought it would be. My entire family came, mom, dad, and Owen all drove down from North Carolina together. James even flew in from D.C. and he brought Erin with him. I told Harry he could sit with them and Julie for the ceremony, but he said he it would probably be better if he didn't. He said meeting them when things were so uncertain between us wasn't how he wanted to do it. He said with such confidence that he will meet them one day but right now is not the right time. I told him that was okay and that I understood, because what else could I do. I couldn't beg him to meet my brothers one day and fly out to move to another state the next. That's not fair to him.

As I walked across the stage I searched the crowd finding Julie and my family standing and cheering bringing a smile to my face. My eyes wandered for another moment before they found his a few rows up, he remained in his seat not drawing attention to himself, but a proud smile graced his beautiful face when his eyes met mine. I sighed in relief and a tiny ache ran through my heart as I looked at the man I was leaving behind.

I watched from my seat among the rest of the graduates as Julie and James talked back and forth in their seats. I knew James was asking about Harry when I saw him lean over his seat looking around as Julie pointed in Harry's direction. But James never brought him up to me or asked to meet him while they were in town. I think he knew I couldn't talk about him. Not right now.

My family took me out to dinner after the ceremony to celebrate my accomplishment before they headed back to their hotel for the night.

I found myself at Harry's door like I usually do when I drive without any destination in mind. I stood there hoping with everything in me that he was home, and that he would answer the door and that he would not ignore me. We had to be past that stage. I needed to see him. It was selfish of me because I knew what I was doing was hurting him, but I had to see him.

When he finally answered the door I was in his arms before he even had a chance to react to my presence. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the dampness on his shirt. The words I'm sorry fell from my lips so many times I feared they started to loose meaning. He continued to run his fingers through my hair assuring me everything would be okay. I wanted to believe him, but I didn't understand how he could be so sure.

"I'm not sure it will," I said to him truthfully, pulling back and staring at him with my blurry eyes.

"It will." He says with force, willing me to believe him. "I'll find you again." He said before placing his lips softly against mine.

I continue to replay that day and the night we spent together all the time. Remembering every sound that fell from his lips and the way his hands felt on my skin. The goosebumps his fingertips left in their wake. I remember the sound of him moaning my name thinking I had never heard anything quiet as beautiful before. I remember the tears that fell from my eyes as I pushed back his messy curls before planting a kiss to his forehead and leaving the sleeping boy I love so much behind.

I closed the door to his apartment behind me that next morning leaving him asleep in his bed because I couldn't bare another goodbye. The walk to my car felt as if it was a marathon, every step I took away from him I felt my body aching for me to turn around, to not leave him, to crawl back into his bed and snuggle into his warmth. But I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to him or me. I had to take this opportunity I was given. If I gave up this dream for him I feared I would always regret it and he would suffer because of it.