you kissed me and a part of me wished it wasn't a lie
C H A N Y E O L
May 2016.
She was frailly thin, she had big boobs. Some guys in my class find it sexy, but somehow seeing her in a state where she almost didn't have any clothes on made me feel pitiful. She was beautiful, but she starved herself. I didn't imagine that we would get here, not after seeing the effect she had on the guys at school and yet, she picked me. I didn't feel lucky, she knew exactly what she was doing to me. But joke's on me because of the fact that I was letting her.
It might be because of my ego, and my dick. The most popular girl wanted me and was giving herself to me. I was clueless, to the point where she did all the work. It was embarrassing, but her satisfied smile after reassured me. She laid down beside me and cuddled in, drawing circles on my chest.
"So how come you never asked me out?" She asked.
"I thought you were dating someone else" I admitted, her laugh then echoed throughout her room.
"Please, I don't date"
"Wendy-"
"You were amazing, we should do this again sometime" She kissed me and sat up, looking for her clothes that were scattered around the room.
She had that effect. The type where you come in and talk having your own opinions to yourself but by the time she's done with you, you find yourself agreeing without thinking it through. I became her beck and call after, so captivated by someone who had taken advantage of my loneliness that somehow made me feel like it was love.
I confided in her, told her all my secrets and my troubles. She was there, taking it all in and giving me what I needed as support. It wasn't all physical, at least I made myself think it wasn't. She gave me hope, maybe one day we can be more, she told me she loved me and for that reason, I held on. It was stupid, but I was sure I was willing to drop heaven and hell for her. But then for the first time, I saw her smile, she was with someone else. I never realized she could be happier, and it hit me, it was because she found the person who made her be that way.
And for that reason, I wanted to let go. I wanted to find my own happiness too, it was just disappointing that it wasn't her.
February 14, 2019
Half of the week passed and so did Chaeyoung's birthday. I had not received any texts after and I shouldn't expect it too- much more a call. She was upset with me, and she had every reason to be. I didn't follow our agreement, but I couldn't help to worry when I didn't see her wait up for me by the door of my last class. Kai seemed to notice it too since he asked me four times now if Chaeyoung and I had a fight.
It was funny. I used to have a lot in mind the minute school's over, but now it was different. It felt funny how I'm not at ease when she's mad, it felt funny not having her with me right after school's over, and it's completely ridiculous how I'm beating myself up over something so stupid.
Jennie and Kai met up when we got out of the building and I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Hey Jen, um..." I scratched the back of my head as she gave me a look and laughed.
"Chaeyoung went home already, five minutes ago I think?" She informed.
Kai draped his arm over Jennie and smirked at me, "You better get your shit together man,"
Yeah. No shit.
I went home right away, ordering some Chinese food over the phone and laying down on my bed after. Was it ever this cold? Did the glow in the dark star stickers Chaeyoung and I put up on my ceiling ever glowed? Am I really this pathetic? I glanced over my phone and it was dark as the cloud draping over outside as rain started to pour out. The delivery man rang and I went to take my food, another glance on my phone and I nearly lost my appetite. Should I text her? But I already did, she probably thinks I'm obsessed with her with how much I left on voice mail and text.
