Insides

1. Life without me, life without you

I hate my life without you. I hate it.
You are not with me.
You do not love me.
You do not care about it.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I know I am dead wrong.

Maybe I am only saying this because I am trying everyday not to need you more than u need you today.
More than I need you at this very moment.
More than I need you at any moment of my life.

I was convinced I was cute not petty.
But I am just being petty.
A pretty petty pineapple perfectly possessive over her proud fly.

Oh how she loves.
Oh how she sees.
Oh how she hopes.


She loves her fly and he thinks he knows.
Oh she sees her fly and she thinks he doesn’t know.
She hopes he misses her.

And her desire for him.
Her burning desire for him.
Any part of him.

Is but a terrible acknowledgement that he sees her but not really.
Tries but never succeeds.
Loves but never enough for her.

She craves more.
She craves more of him.
She craves all of him.
All of him all the time.

She wants to be the beauty.
She wants to be the pain.
She wants what she gives.
She wants certainty of it all.
She doesn’t what to drive.

All she do is think.
And when she thinks.
She thinks of him.

Her twenty four, seven three sixty five.
All the time, him, him, him, him.
Too real to be fiction but more fiction then real.


She doesn’t have him.
She never will.
She’ll take a bullet before she takes a man.

Why?

Why all this loneliness?

Why wish to extinguish rather that to ignite her desire?


Why just drive?

Why never act?

Why when she acts it only frustrates her?

Why all these questions?

Why so loud?

Why such deafening silence?

Why not controlled?

Why not organized?

Why not brave?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Answer never truly needed.
An answer is what you will receive.
She will always just smile a pretty smile.

A smile ghostly yet genuine.
Hide and ghost.
A smile unworthy of the truth.
A smile unworthy of herself.
But she knows know other way.

Smile?
Smile.
Smile,
smile!
Smile…

It isn’t in her not to smile.
It is just how she is.

The world never let her live.
She never let herself live.
She just smiled because she didn’t know anything else.
She smiled people seemed to like something about her smile.
The smile she sees creepy, ghostly yet genuine.

What did they see that she didn’t?
Did they know something she didn’t?

Maybe.
But it didn’t matter some just admired.
Some were just sarcastic.
But all where pretty and all genuinely ghostly.

He thought it was pretty.
He said that he missed it.

It is not enough.

She wants it to haunt him.
She wants her pretty smile that he once said he had missed to haunt him.
To haunt him in the same way that his cute presence and the way he over uses emoji cons haunt her each time she does something.
So ghostly he roam in my heart yet so genuinely he resides there.
Like he knows no home like the home he owns in my heart.
So proud so pure.

My flawed yet  flawless fly.

I know.

I have always known and I will always refuse to believe that what I want is too much to ask.