Insides

2. Wonder

I’m always thinking.
Most times I sit and wonder.
Too much thinking.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I said you were dead to me.
I’m sorry you got too close.
I’m sorry you don’t need me.
I’m sorry that this seems like the best option, sorry.

I know you don’t want my name to pop up on your phone.
And I don’t want to hit your phone up with my unnecessary drama.

And when I think, I think solely of you.
And it is terrible.
Because I know you don’t have time for this.
Because I know you don’t need this.

You are my best friend.
And I love you too much.
Lies, you tell yourself we know this isn’t the end.
I always think of putting myself first.

Before you.
Before anyone.
But I was just not meant for that, true.

I thought about it.
I thought about it long and hard.
I have been thinking about it for over a month.
I thought about it for a month and two weeks.
I thought about it for  forty two days to be exact.

And I hate with everything in me that it had to come down to this.
I thought it out thoroughly.

Its for the best.
You said it yourself.
I guess the timings never right (detest) .

I don’t want to make more promises.
But I don’t think I will be able to let another person in.

I trust you completely.
I don’t even trust myself.
I’m hopeless honestly.
I can’t believe that we are coming down like cheap meds.



Five years of my life.
Five years of my life has been laid out in motion.
Five years of not typical us.
Five years of mistakes and heartbreak no I’m not mistaken.
Five years of full out emotion.

In which all was forgiven with something so simple like just showing up.
Boom we just had to look at it each other and the heartbreak was up.
Just like that.
It is most probably still like that.

But we are probably never going to be in a situation where we have to look at each other again.
And just like that boom our friendship burst into flames with very little if any chance of redemption.

We were beautiful though.
I will never forget how beautiful our little hurricane were.
It was natural, sweet, bitter, beautiful nature that I sow.
I loved every bit of it.

You were perfect.
Damn I love you.

I wish that it would never end this happiness.
I wish we could always be the beautiful little hurricanes we were.
But I know its impossible ness.

Not In this life.
Not in the next life.
I pray that we can be happy apart.
I pray that we can be happy together in the next life.

I had been praying so for over a month now.
I have been praying so for a month and two weeks.
I have been praying so for forty two days.

And I have been praying for us.
I have been begging for us.
Too be happy together.
Now I’m begging for us.
Too be happy apart.
I’m begging for us.
Too happy together in the next life.
I’ll be begging from this day forth.
I’ll be begging everyday to  Allah.
Why? Because I still want us to be happy together.
I still tell you all my problems in my dreams.

Because I believe that you are still my best friend and that I am still yours.
Now and forever.
But it seems even forever doesn’t want to last.

I’m always thinking.
I’m always about you, me and us.
So let me wonder it is now all I have.