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11. Square One

The air around me is cold, freezing my skin and fueling my exhaustion. My limbs feel tired and my brain sluggish, but no hands come to undo the straps that should be there. Instead, there is nothing but the wet morning dew that clings to my skin and soaks my clothes. But maybe if I just wait...

One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes pass, and the only thing that changes is the slight warmth of the rising sun and the louder chirping of birds in the distance. With a sigh, I crack my eyes open to see that I'm lying on my side next to the worn wooden fence of the rebellion, just outside of it. Through the slats of the fence, I can make out two familiar figures walking the perimeter, but my brain is too busy trying to catch up to register who they are.

I'm not....It's been more than three days, and I'm still not....I'm here? Why am I still here? I'm not supposed to be- I'm just....What? I slowly put my arms beneath me, pushing myself into a sitting position. Why? Of all the times to be acting weird, why now? Why don't you just do the damn thing already and let me be in peace? Why do you have to make me suffer like this, giving me false hope? Why am I still wishing for the end when I know it won't come?

By the time I've worked up enough emotions to last me another three-day lifetime, the two figures have reached me, looking like they've been running as they're slightly out of breath. "Collin?" Kei asks, picking up a radio from his waist and saying, "Yeah. We found him." before putting it back and turning his attention back to me.

"We've been worried sick about you," my father says, "What were you doing out here?"

"I- I fell asleep," I say, sounding as lost as I feel.

My dad sighs, a fond smile tugging at his lips. "Alright, well let's get you back inside then, huh? The last thing I want is for you to get sick from sleeping out here all night." He quickly hops the fence, reaching a hand out for me and pulling me up. As we continue back to the large house, he pulls his coat off his shoulders and hands it to me, ruffling my hair in a familiar, fatherly way.

The three of us walk in silence for a bit, before my father says in a more somber tone, "You know, we have a lot to talk about, don't we Collin?" I mutely nod my head, wishing for this iteration to end so I don't have to bother explaining everything. "But first," He puts his hand on my shoulder. "A nice shower and a warm bowl of soup, hm?" I nod again, a faint smile on my lips as I inwardly shake my head.

He's putting on his brave face again; he only uses his dad voice when he's trying to be more "manly" than he actually is. I think I might have scared him. The smile on my face slowly fades as I look closer at my father. Bags under his eyes, barely-brushed hair, and a half-flipped shirt collar: there's no way he got a good night's sleep last night. And I did that to him. It's all my fault. Again.

"Sorry," I say, but it comes out as little more than a whisper. "I'm sorry for worrying you." My eyes fall to the ground, unknown tears forming at the corners. Neither Kei nor my father say anything, but Dad wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer into a side hug as we walk. A quick glance to Kei and I see the warm smile on his face as he watches us.

"There's no need to apologize," Kei says, "We know you're going through a lot." He glances away, looking almost sorrowful as he says, "We just wish you'd confide in us more."

I look away, unable to meet his gaze as guilt claws at me and I bite my lip. Am I sorry? I hardly know him. I hardly know anyone. Why should I feel guilty about not talking to someone I don't know? Is it that I want to know him better? Is it that I feel obligated to know him better? Or is it because I replaced the version of me that did know him?

And if I got to know him...? If I knew him like a friend, would I actually tell him about my situation? Would I tell anyone? Will I ever?