My Choice (Third in the "Baby Brother Series)

Three

Sitting with my brother in an ER was not how I pictured my night. He looked mostly embarrassed by his constant burdening presence Bill feels that's become of him. I don't believe this of course. I found my old journals and I'm reminded of our innocent childhood.

A place that had worries like wanting cake and fruit or teen angst issues of the modern era. Self harm was a problem and one he couldn't escape. He found himself picking at his skin or tearing his nails off when no one could see. Billy was more like him than he wished to believe but he didn't give up. No he would never give up on his little brother.

Bill's fingers play around on his lap, being physically incapable of looking up at his older brother. When had everything gone so fucking wrong? When Tom left? When Bill decided to not hear his brother out for leaving? When he didn't tell him about the bullying? Or Andi's suicide? Or his constant sexual abuse? Or about the cutting? Or perhaps when he didn't tell him that he had been withdrawn since their parents died? Tom's expression appeared to be calm but deep inside he was stressed beyond relief.

"Billy...before those doctors return...has this happened to you before?"

"No. No it hasn't," Bill sighs. "And honestly Tom, if you wanna leave, just go."

"Why would I leave? Tell me? Do you want me to?"

"No, I don't. I just...never mind." Bill resumes playing with his fingers, feeling even more anxious. What else could possibly be wrong with him? It's not like he didn't want Tom there, he just hated making his older brother suffer. Tom's always been there, from his first illness to his recent descent into a mental health crisis. Tom's been the one constant. And when Tom should be out enjoying his bachelor life and working and having fun, he's sitting in an ER with his little brother that may have had a stroke at the table. A reluctant doctor steps into the room, not prepared for why Bill is sitting there but she's also suspicious of his older brother.

Why did he seem apprehensive towards his sibling? She couldn't quite understand it and the pain of not knowing made her wanna pull the teen to the side and make sure he is okay. But her job told her to never judge. Not without reason.

"How're we doing tonight? I'm Dr. Emily Hansen," she smiles.

"Clearly not good if we're fucking here," Bill snorts.

"Billy, please," Tom chides. "He did something weird that he's never done before and we wanted to get him checked out."

"Okay, what happened?"

"I blacked out...well I didn't black out, but I lost control and I couldn't speak," Bill frowns.

"Lost control?"

"He was eating and he froze and did this weird hand thing," Tom explains. "Like he was pressing all of his fingers into his palm except his thumb and he was blinking weirdly." This is the first time Bill looks up at his brother, that's what happened. Why couldn't he remember that? Why did he do that?

"I see? Anything else?"

"His other arm kinda remained frozen...I don't know what happened and this never happened before."

"Bill, are you on any medication?"

"Yeah, I take Bupropion and Loprazolam for the sleep issues," the teen wearily responds. Bill was getting awfully tired again, he started to feel like he did at the table. "My head is starting to hurt again."

Dr. Hansen puts down her chart and approaches Bill, taking out her penlight and looking into his eyes. "Did your head hurt before you had the attack earlier?"

"Yeah," Bill groans. "It feels like someone is squeezing my brain and trying to pull it out of my ear." 

"Okay, I'm gonna look take a look at the medications you listed," her glance switching over to the worried older brother standing anxiously at his little brother's side. "Did you happen to bring them with you?"

"Um, yeah, I thought maybe he took too many or maybe it mixed with his sleeping medicatio—."

"Have you made sure that your brother was compliant with his meds?"

"Yeah, we sit down for every meal and he takes them right in front of me."

Tom didn't like how judged he felt in front of the medical professional, weren't they disallowed from passing judgment? He hands over the neon bottles and the doctor leaves, glaring slightly at the older sibling.

"She seemed aggressive," Bill snorts. "I wonder what crawled up her ass and died."

"I don't like how she looked at me. It's not like I hurt you," Tom shrugs. "How's your head feeling?"

"Still hurts but I'm surviving," Bill sighs. "I wanna lie down."

"Go on. I'll tell you when she comes back."

Billy could feel that feeling wash over him again, his body seemed to want to do everything but what he commanded. His gaze vacated and his arm straightens at his side. Tom catches him when he leans to the side and his left hand squeezes into a loose fist, fingers pressing rhythmically into his palms. His head turns to look at a random point on the ceiling and he chewed despite having an empty mouth.

"Billy, can you hear me?" The teen hums but still can't talk to him. He drops his gaze to the hospital bed and starts picking at the white sheets beneath his butt. His bizarre behavior continues even when the doctor returns with Tom holding his brother while he chewed, bounced a bit and messed with the sheets.

"Is this what he was doing?" Dr. Hansen asks.

"Yes and no. He couldn't respond but he wasn't chewing or bouncing or trying to show me nothing in his hands."

"Okay," she takes out her penlight and looks in his eyes. The dilated pupils gave cause for concern and his behaviors only stopped after 3 minutes.
"Tuh-Tom?"

"Right here, little brother," Tom coos. "I didn't leave."

"Go home?"

"Soon. But you aren't feeling well," Tom explains softly. "This nice doctor is gonna check you out."

"I'm tired," Bill frowns, leaning his weight onto his brother.

"I know. But we have to make sure you're okay," Tom replies, holding his young sibling's head to his chest.

"Mr. Kaulitz, these episodes look like seizures. I'd like to conduct an EEG and an MRI to confirm," Dr. Hansen explains. "But I'd need you to sign some forms and also I'd need to run your insurance and he'd need to stay here for a few hours."

"Fine. That's fine. Billy? Did hear her?"

"Yeah. Sleep now?"

"Sure, kiddo. You can sleep now."