Of Matters of the Heart

Smile

Someone told me that my smile lights up a room,
That I resonate positive energy in a way that makes everyone feel better.

When they said that,
I laughed.
I laughed, and they smiled
As if they were proving their point,
But in reality,
I was laughing because of how wrong that felt.

It felt wrong that I,
One who is so torn up inside,
Could bring joy to someone just by showing my teeth.
It felt wrong that I,
One who struggles to recognize themselves in the mirror,
One who constantly beats themselves down over things they can't change,
One who doesn't try to change the things they can,
Should be perceived as such a ray of light.

What is it about me that shines so brightly?
Is it the care that I have for the people close to me?
Is it the passion that I have for what I do shining through?
Or is it really just something as superficial as a smile?

How is it that I am seen this way,
And why can't I see it as well?
Why is it that I can't see this brilliant grin?
Why is it that when I look into the mirror,
All I can see is imperfection-
Yellowed teeth, chubby cheeks, and empty eyes?
How can it be that I am seen so brightly?
Please, tell me,
How can that be?

Despite this being the way I feel,
Despite the fact that this outside observation confounds me so intensely,
I suppose I can accept it,
Because I can think of a few good things behind it.

My smile is not forced,
Even though it does hide the chaos that lurks within my mind.
My smile is goofy and wide,
But if that smile brings one to another's face,
If it manages to make someone else happy,
Even if for just a moment,
That's what I'll do.

I won't push down my pain or repress the darkness in my mind,
But I will smile.
I'll smile
Because if my smile truly does make people happy,
I can carry on.
Because the knowledge that I brightened someone's day
Brightens mine,

And that makes me smile.