Weightless diary

Hey

Hi I'm Heather

I'm 20 and live in Germany.

I've been to a school in London from 13 until 17 when I went back to Germany to my parents and now moved to Munich.
I had to leave London because I attempted suicide and was pretty underweight so I went to a clinic here in Germany cause the health system is just way better! So I stayed in clinics for a while like 3 years and didn't go to school which is why I'm doing my A-Levels here with a major in economy and I wanna become a producer one day and have my own company. Well yesterday I decided to go back to this. Whatever it is. I won't totally starve myself my goal is mainly to stay under 1000 calories which should be possible. I'm vegan and gluten-free for the main part because I have a wheat allergy.

My parents live in another city in Germany so I only see them on some weekends or during my holidays.

Where are you guys from?

Anything else?
Well maybe I should tell you then why I started again.
After my recovery I kept gaining weight until it was super high then I lost like 20 kg and now that's where I am. Over the past year I've gained like 4ish kg back which now lead to me feeling insanely insecure and feeling depressed and suicidal again which I don't want to lol. So yesterday we had P.E. Which always has been hard for me cause I have a bunch of scars from cutting and also I always got picked last. I'm actually mildly active tho compared to a year ago not (I was training for a half marathon and ran at least 5 km almost daily ) but I'm still dancing so I have rehearsals 1-2 times per week and exercise at home. I don't really run in winter it's just too cold and slippery here 😅
So yesterday in P.E. We played basketball and I wasn't there the last lesson so I didn't really know the rules anymore and also our teacher made some up and so I was a little confused and I played on a team with a former mate of mine and I didn't get one rule and made some mistakes and then she walked away with her bestie and whispered sth to her and they laughed and idk my mind was just like: yeah they're just laughing about you being a dumb fat whale look at you! Doing oh so well. And then said girl had to play badminton with me cause I had to get my grade on it still and afterwards she was like: oh it's gonna be fine I played a little easier for you. And I don't think she necessarily meant that in a mean way but my brain obviously thinks that and it was just what I needed to break. Last year I had a big group of friends and was kinda popular as well at the beginning of the year and now I'm always alone in class cause my friends are all in the other class and that's the only time I'm sorta okay.

I know I'm old. And I know most of you are like 15/16 and you hope that it'll get better. But you're not even at the beginning of being an adult believe me. I mean it does get better! I'm not in a as bad place as I was at 17 anymore. I see things a lot different now but  I still got a lot of growing up to do.

I just hope this book will help me stick to my goal.

Loads of love

Heather