Merry Little Christmas

09. Zero Hope

December 11th, 1961

She let out a small chuckle, setting her jacket down on a random table, to start to fill her heart with love again. She couldn't wait to get started. It was midnight already, but she was jaunty and eager to start again.

She wavered around the room, not knowing what to bake next. That was the only recipe she knew by heart. She would have to make it again. She shrugged, skipping merrily towards the fridge.

She whispered the ingredients in her head as she walked around the kitchen to grab the materials. She hummed to the rhythm of her heartbeat, which was going rather slow. Slow enough to encounter the good surrounding her.

Now there was nothing to worry about. And a major weight finally lifted of her shoulders that has been there for as long as she could remember. It felt nice. She smiled; a real smile. One she hasn't used to a full extent in almost a year. It made her happy.

❆

"Isabella there you are! You missed Mr. Knight today. I had to make up a fib as to why you weren't here this morning. He looked skeptical." Mama said, looking up at the small figure above her.

"Sorry, mama." She panted. She just walked out of the bakery running to her family. Although it was just a couple feet away, it felt like miles due to her weak condition.

"It's alright." Papa shrugged, opening the bag of treats from Isabella's hand and taking a helping for himself.  "Delicious as always." He said between mouthfuls of the bar.

"Thanks." She blushed.

She hid the bag in her parents' money cup. "What did Mr. Knight give us today?" She continued, pretending nothing ever happened.

"Noodles." Niall happily smiled.

"Yum. Can we add my treats in for breakfast too?"

"Yes!" Niall cheered.

"Not right now, Niall!" Isabella giggled, snatching his arm as she caught him holding a bar in his hand.

"Sorry."

"Okay, everyone don't forget to say our prayers this morning." Papa reminded, as he set the noodles in front of the kids to eat. 

"Yes, papa." Isabella and Niall obeyed.

"Now," Mama added. "let's eat."

"Let's eat." They smiled.

❆

"No you cannot." Mama protested, wagging her shaky finger. 

"But-"

"No means no, Isabella!"

Isabella grouched. "I am furious with you!" She crossed her arms, making a grunting noise. She looked back at the tiny bakery. She took a close look at herself. At her weak hands. Her frail body, as they trembled after each breath passed.

The bakery was small, but compared to her, it was big. How would she ever survive out there in Paris when she couldn't even go to a bakery across the street? At that very moment she had zero hope. No hope for her, no hope for anyone. "I am done with this!" She cried. Each and every breath went weaker then weaker. Each and every ounce of hope crumbled deeply within her. The cold surrounding her became a blizzard, fighting the germ off the best it can, but it crawled back to its position.

A small tear merely streamed down her face. "I am done with having no purpose," She felt like screaming but she tried to keep it down as best as she could. "I am done lying down on this street waiting for our life to start, well for heaven's sake we've been waiting for a whole year! A whole year, why don't we do something about it!"

Papa whispered. "There's nothing we-"

"Yes there is!" She shot back. "Yes there is something we can do, and I'm trying to help until that time come comes! And now unless you let me back into Crumbs and Bites," she was careful not to say that out loud, "there won't be any more hope left!"

Mama sighed. "It's just to risky, do you know the consequences we could face after Baker Adam found out you were sneaking into the bakery?"

"Risk is good." She whispered, looking down at the snow. 

"Only to a degree."

But risk was the only thing keeping them alive. After the phase of uncertainty passed everything was better. There was no more fear, besides the fear of what to do next. No matter the outcome; because every time they grew through the process to become more confident and resilient. They never know what's going to happen until they give it a shot.

She slumped back into the snow. Trying to close her eyes and make herself as comfortable as she could.

"I'm sorry." Mama whispered.

But she couldn't hear. Or if she did, she didn't answer. She just closed her eyes and tried to carry herself away into her thoughts. Trying to listen to something; anything to make her believe. To believe in the factor of hope. Every time it had failed her. How can you have so much belief in something that never really occurred to you before?

Christmas is supposed to be a time for faith and hope and joy. The time of year where everything is supposed to be okay. But for the McCarthy family, hope was very low year-round. 

There was no way to be happy no matter how hard they tried because even if they did they would fail. There was no source of happiness to anything. Everything seemed impossible. 

The snow still fell slowly onto the ground as if it didn't give a care in the world. The cars did not slow down and the busy shoppers trying to get their last-minute Christmas gifts in to friends and family were rushing through the crowd trying to get past.

No one saw them.

No one saw the miserable family lying on the streets looking helpless.. because they didn't matter. They did not matter in the big world. A small family out in the open where the only possible thing out there for them was a man who was kind enough to give them sustenance daily and didn't care whether or not it was his problem.

Besides that hope was nothing anymore. And if it kept going on for this rate, there would be no hope at all.