The Fall of the Keepers

Chapter 31 By Your Bootstraps

I floated there, no longer tumbling down into the open field pulled mercilessly by gravity. It was the first taste of true freedom I had ever experienced. The possibilities that lay before me were endless; was there any place in the world the wind could not travel? All my life I had been chained by something, an idea, a government, even the people I loved. As I levitated mid-air, thousands of feet above the earth, my mind opened and for the first time ever I felt invincible. I could go anywhere, I could do anything, and there was no one to stop me, no one to hold me back. I inhaled sharply, feeling the crispness of the airflow through me in a way it never could in the past.

How had I never done this before? I could have left Itova years ago, and what King, Keeper, or rebel could have gotten in my way? For a brief moment, I could imagine myself in a way I had never thought possible. I could imagine myself as Zafira of the Wind Clan, a warrior, a leader, a princess. A glimpse of myself in shining armor, hair flowing out behind me, sword glinting in the sunlight, and an army at my back filled my mind, and for a second, I desired more than anything in the world to be that person. I wanted to be fearless, someone worthy of devotion and loyalty. I wanted to be loved, and more than that, I wanted to deserve to be loved. Then in an instant, the image was gone, like the breath of wind that it was.

Something enormous and black shot past me, a figure dangling from the paracords. Far below I watched as Idris's feet touched solid earth, ran forward a few steps then came to a halt, her parachute floating to the ground like a massive shadow behind her. A minute later it was Ghost and Navia setting down, kicking up snow as they did. I hovered there like an uninterested bystander, waiting until I saw Ranen also make his landing. Reality was drawing me back, it was time to descend from the clouds and step back into my life. I didn't want to leave though, up here I felt like someone special, down there I was only myself.

"You're the same useless coward wherever you may be standing."
I snapped at myself.

No amount of dreaming and wishing could change that. As my dark thoughts returned I found myself sinking faster and faster, slicing through the air like a bullet.

"You're not a hero, you're not a leader, and you're definitely not some long lost princess everyone is going to love."
I muttered.

The world seemed to come up underneath me to kiss my feet.

"You're just Astrid, the girl everyone wants to be someone and yet, in reality, is no one."

Snow crunched beneath my boots, and my solid physical form returned, as though the wind were punishing me for my spiraling thoughts, taking away its gift. I pressed my right hand to my shoulder, grimacing as the sharp pain returned. My companions were untangling themselves from their parachutes, shouting out to one another. Idris was the first to wriggle out of the straps and began cutting the paracord lines with her dagger. Ranen jogged over to Navia, giving her a bear hug and exchanging a silent conversation in sign language.

"She was brave, never screamed once."
I heard Ghost say with pride.

Brave, or paralyzed by fear. I stood as still as a statue, watching the others with an overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong. I couldn't explain it exactly, but no matter how hard I tried, or how many people told me who and what I was, I never felt like I fit in. I supposed I was just too broken, carried too much darkness with me to ever truly belong anywhere. For a moment that uncomfortable feeling had disappeared as I had become one with the wind. For just a split second I had felt like someone. But it hadn't been real, how could it be? I couldn't change who I was. I had tried, truly I had, but I always slipped back into the same rut. The situations may have changed but the mistakes were the same. Maybe the truth of it was just that it was me who was the real mistake. The world would have been better off if I had never existed.