luckless

- xv -

It was actually Tatum who dragged me to a party that night. I hadn't really wanted to go. I still wasn't in the best mood from earlier. Tatum had convinced me, not believing I could actually pass up the opportunity to get drunk. I didn't want to tonight, which surprised me. When didn't I want to drink? It was rare. Maybe I still shaken up from my near-death encounter in the woods.

We ended up in a clearing in the forest. It had been awhile since I'd been to an outdoor party. The last parties I'd attended, it was too cold to have them outdoors. It would soon be that way again.

Tatum mingled with the crowd a bit after we arrived. I trailed over to an empty log. I'd survive without consuming alcohol for a bit. From where I sat, I could observe the other attendees.

When I heard the howls, I stood immediately. It appeared I was the only concerned person. Maybe everyone else was already too drunk to care. The ghostly noises were close. There was definitely more than one this time. Thoughts of the terrifying silver beast I'd encountered earlier resurfaced. I had been dumb to come back to the same woods. What if the wolf returned, and brought his friends? The people at the party, including myself, stood no chance. Especially if the pack consisted of beasts that were all the size of the gray creature.

I was poised on my feet, ready to run. I stood for awhile, waiting. When no more spine-tingling noises rose from the woods beyond, I relaxed. Maybe the wolves had moved away. Hell, maybe I was even imagining things. I lingered by the fire, the pine wood crackling and popping reassuring. Despite the radiating heat, goosebumps remained on my arms. A shiver ran down my back. The same adrenaline from earlier had returned slightly.

I headed for a blue cooler across the clearing. Hopefully, beer would dampen my hyper mood. I felt ridiculous being this flighty and overly cautious. I cracked open the semi-cold can, tipping it against my lips. I let the cheap liquid slide thick and unpleasant down my throat. Even on my good days, I only just tolerated beer. It was never enough to get me smashingly drunk. Mediocre pregame, but that was it. I fought off a grimace of disgust.

My eyes were still squeezed shut when I turned and took a step. I bumped lightly into someone, the beer sloshing over the aluminum rim and dousing my hand. I cursed. I looked up and almost dropped the beer. What was my luck? My assailant was glaring at me with harsh eyes. When they traveled to the beer can in my hands, the disappointment in his gaze was obvious. The look stung. By now it shouldn't have. I was Kat Cameron, disappointer of the masses. Everyone always expected more from me. Hadn't I proven by now I was just a big bundle of fuck-up?

I attempted to navigate around Paul's looming form, keeping my gaze downcast. His hand shot out and latched onto my free wrist as I tried to pass. I complained as he pulled me from the clearing. He didn't release me from his grasp until we were well out of earshot from the party. I didn't meet his eyes still. I knew what I would find there. Ridiculously high expectations, disappointment, and maybe even shattered hope. I crossed my arms, feeling miserable.

"Has anyone ever told you how difficult and annoying you are?" All the time. "Just because you won't let me care for you in the way I want to doesn't mean I won't stop looking out for you."

"I don't need a babysitter, Paul." My words were defeated. I didn't want to argue.

"Apparently you do." He gestured at the can I had let fall to the ground.

"Jesus. I had one sip."

"And if I hadn't shown up? How many more would you have had without someone to stop you? Enough to go out of your mind and make us worry about you? You have no idea how much you worry us when you get like that. You just won't listen to us."

"Why can't you leave me alone?" My words obviously shocked him. "If I'm such a nuisance, then just stop caring. It's not like I matter enough to worry about." He frowned.

"I can't just do that. I want to make sure you're ok. I want, no, need, to make sure you're on the right track. I know you're better than this." I bit back harsh laughter at his words.

"High expectations are dangerous. I'm never ok, and I'm not going to be any time soon. And I sure as hell won't be on the 'right track' anytime soon. So stop caring, because if you do you'll only get disappointed and hurt. I've disappointed enough people, including you, that it wouldn't matter if I was here anymore or not. I've come to terms with the fact I'll never be anything more a disappointment, why can't you?" Paul looked horrified.

"Don't say that." His words were barely more than a whisper.

"No one ever wonders why I make bad choices, why I've turned out to be so bad. Would it kill someone to ask what the fuck's going on instead of scolding me? To care about me for the right reasons? You, Jared, everyone else, you all care that I'm being stupid and irresponsible. You don't care how I'm doing. You don't care what makes me drink and smoke. You don't care what makes me want to forget every little horrible detail of my life. You don't care what smothers me and chokes the life out of me every day. You don't care what makes me want to stop existing." I didn't realize the truth of the words until I had spoken them aloud. Did I mean them? I guess I did. After all, the future plans in my life ended before I was thirty. Ideally, I didn't make it past twenty-one. I'd always regarded it rationally. What else was there for me? Nothing. My future was bleak and dismal.

Paul was staring at me, drowning in the depth of my admittance. Before he could say or do anything, I walked away from him. I heard him follow me, footsteps cracking the pine needles. Why couldn't he leave? Why get my hopes up now, when he would end up leaving me, just like everyone else? I tried to straighten my shoulders and appear strong. Inside, my heart was crumbling, cracking, shrinking.

I barely registered Paul's gentle touch on my arm. I realized I had stopped walking, and was staring off at nothing. I shook off his hand.

"Don't touch me." The lack of emotion in my voice was painfully evident. I resumed walking. Paul followed me still. Go away, Paul. Let me wallow in self-pity in peace.

"You're hurting."

"Yeah, no shit." I growled at him.

"I can't just leave you like that." His words were pleading. I clenched my jaw, turning to look at him. "Please let me help."

He looked like a lost puppy, large brown eyes softening my soul. This version of Paul was so much softer and gentler than the one I was used to. I wanted him to get angry and lose his temper. I wanted him to give me a real reason to be mad at him. Where was Hothead Lahote?

"You can help by leaving me alone. I'm better solo." Paul looked pained. He grimaced at me.

"Are you telling me to go away? For sure? Is that what you want?" His words were soft, defeated.

"Yes." I chewed my lip, regret blossoming within me.

"Ok. I'll go away for as long as you want me to. When you change your mind, you know where to find me."

His sudden compliance was disheartening. He'd given up on me. I could see it in his eyes. The fighting spark had sputtered out, burning me in the process. And I'd thought he'd be different. Foolish hope, like always. Paul's shoulders were stiff as he turned away. I could see how tightly wound he was, his muscles coiled in springs. I watched him go, melancholy thoughts flowing through my mind.

How much longer would we keep playing this game? We were emaciated wolves, circling each other in an endless duel, waiting for the other to strike. Eventually, one of us had to go down. Our souls clashed too much to exist in harmony.

The devil on my shoulder congratulated my efforts. The angel weeped at my mistake. I wanted to melt into a puddle and not have to worry about my internal conflict.

===

A/N

Kat is extremely inclined to listen to her devil. But is her devil correct?

She's also extremely selfish. She's always so focused on herself, she doesn't care that she's hurt Paul, or that she's worrying others. It's one of her biggest faults.

Vote and comment please, it would mean a lot.