luckless

- xxviii -

Heartbeats slammed against my throat. Why did I feel so defensive? I could only explain the instinct to be protective in wolf terms. Ironic. My children were pups from another male. If Paul was so destined to be my mate, how would he react to pups from a challenger. I was instinctively worried about the wellbeing of Tia and Eli. It was that fear that made me shield both from his view.

I didn't have a reason to worry. This wasn't the intense Paul from before. His tense form dropped as he saw me. I didn't relax until he spoke.

"Kathryn." The word was a breath that he'd been waiting years to release. It was a concoction of emotions. Relief, joy, sadness, and excitement. All withheld in the sound of my name. My soul shivered, as if it too had been waiting for the word. I didn't know how to reply.

As if filling the quiet, Elijah began to whimper in Kim's arms. I gently sat Tia on the couch before reaching for my son. Of course Paul had come at feeding time. I tried to ignore the intake of breath from his direction as I revealed my offspring. I also ignored the sharp, tension-filled gazes passing between Kim and Jared. I left Tia with her aunt as I headed to upstairs to breastfeed. I could feel a hot gaze on my back as I ascended the steps.

After I fed Eli, I lay him down for bed. It was early, but he needed to stick with his schedule. I knew he'd wake up soon demanding to be fed again. Until then, I could deal with Paul back downstairs. I was sleeping on the couch anyway. As I headed back down, I mulled over what I was going to say. How did one even approach your ex-who-wasn't-really-your-ex-because-you-got-scared-of-commitment? Obviously not with hugs and kisses. Did I apologize? 'Hey, Paul! Sorry for ruining your life with my stupidity!' It was impossible to figure out what was right.

I wasn't as chipper when I reached the living room. Tia and Jack were playing on the floor with Kim watching. Jared was impatiently perched on the couch, watching my daughter with intent eyes. Paul was leaning against the wall. When he saw me, he pushed off. We stood, awkwardly staring at each other for a moment. I was the first to break the tension.

"Outside?" I murmured and motioned with my hand. Paul nodded. My hands shook as we moved to the front door. Here we go.

Paul waited until I had closed the door behind us before speaking.

"You don't have a wedding ring on." I blushed slightly. Of course he had noticed.

"I know." My words were soft and hesitant. I don't think I'd ever been this nervous before.

"So, what does that mean?" His words had an edge that grated me harshly.

"It means Andy and I aren't together. Well, not really. We're on a break of sorts right now."

"How old is Elijah?"

"Five weeks."

"So you're doing this on your own right now? Andy's not helping? He let you come here by yourself?" Paul's tone was sharper. The harshness made my lip quiver.

"Please Paul. Not now." I pinched the bridge of my nose. I was too tired to deal with his anger. He looked taken aback by my reaction. I could see why. The Kat he had known would never have broken this easily. I would've fought back with just as much fire.

"Fine. Then just tell me this, why are you here? Why did you come back?" I knew he was hopeful. Too bad I was about to shatter that.

"Because my mother hasn't seen Tia or Eli ever, and Tia's already almost two. She didn't deserve to be kept away from her grandchildren so long. And..." I trailed off.

"And?"

"And I needed time away from Andy." I could tell Paul wanted to ask why. At least he had the decency to hold off on his interrogation.

"How have you been? And not in a friendly way. I mean, how have you really been Kat?"

I almost started crying. I don't think anyone had asked me that in a long time. My lip quivered again.

"Honestly? Terrible." I wanted to open up and spill myself to him. But I couldn't, right? Not when it had been so long. In this moment, it felt like absolutely nothing had changed. It felt like Paul and I were still best friends, sitting on his porch swing and talking about trivial problems. How was it possible for so much time to pass, yet it feeling like a few seconds?

"You can talk to me." His soft words convinced me. I let myself drop onto the porch step, Paul joining me.

"I'm stressed. Frustrated. Annoyed. Exhausted. Lonely. Sad. And I'm just so fucking tired. Of everything." I put my head in my hands, sighing heavily. Paul didn't say anything, so I pushed on. "Ya know what I would've been doing right now? I would be getting so high or drunk I wouldn't remember the night the morning. But now I can't. I have to be here for Eli and Tia. That means I have to feel everything. It means I have to deal with everything I want to flush away. It's hard."

"You're strong. We can help out with the kids up here. Everyone understands. Kim said you've been doing everything basically by yourself for awhile now. You deserve a break. No one should have to go through this alone." I nodded at his words, still concealing my face. I didn't to reveal the hot tears in my eyes. I didn't want to look weak.

"Thanks." I murmured. Any other words failed me. I lapsed into silence, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. Several long minutes passed before Paul spoke.

"I'm not going to pry much, but just tell me this. What happened? Why didn't it work? You were so happy." His words were genuine and careful. I finally let my hot face meet the evening air. I smiled wryly before replying.

"He wasn't my soulmate."

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A/N

Admittance? Short n sweet chapter

Vote and comment please, it would mean a lot.