luckless

- xxiv -

The remainder of Christmas Eve passed quickly. I didn't see Paul again, so he didn't pass through my mind. Jared and I pushed away our unspoken arguments, leaving the harsh words for a later date. I dreaded the arrival of that time, but for now, we were curt acquaintances.

Jared filled us in on some of the notable events that had transpired in La Push while we were absent. Sam Uley and Emily Young had gotten married. Jacob had a girlfriend named Renesmee. Jared's eyes flashed dangerously over the name. I wondered why. Jared switched to talking about various people from around La Push. We carefully avoided the very topic I was itching to know about. How was the pack? Had anything happened with them? I wanted to know everything I had missed. We couldn't talk about it with Andy present. The unspoken questions burdened my mind the entire day.

Before we left, I finally snagged alone time with my brother. I grabbed his arm to pull him from the room, confident in Mother's distracting skills. Piles of pictures were strewn about the room, bound to keep Andy busy for awhile. It gave me the perfect opportunity to interrogate Jared. I opted for outside. The walls would keep noise away, if the need arose.

Jared didn't resist as I dragged him out of the house. When we were well out of ear shot, I rounded on him eagerly.

"How's the pack?" My brother crossed his arms, looking at me expectantly.

"Do you really care about the pack? Or are just inquiring after one member? I won't tell you anything about him unless you specifically say his name." I was annoyed. I wasn't asking about Paul. I was curious, of course, but I didn't want to give in.

"No, Jare. I don't care about him. I care about how you and everyone else is doing. Are there any new members? Did anyone leave? Any skirmishes with the leeches?" Jared's eyes were beseeching. He didn't answer my questions.

"You really don't care? How did you built up such thick walls to push him away? I don't understand." I was annoyed. I didn't want to talk about this. It was my past.

"That's not what I'm asking about." My words were colder. Get my hint yet, Jared?

"I know it's not. But you're not really in the position to ask me the questions. Right now, I'd like to know how you can be so thick and inconsiderate to leave him. You have no idea how bad these years have been. No idea. We've all had to deal with it. You made things a million times harder when you pushed him away and left."

"You don't think it was hard for me? Of course it was. But I got over it. Moved on. I found someone who I'm meant to be with. You can't possibly say that Paul was right for me. We butted heads all the time. I'm angry, he's angry. Like two fucking bombs, both set to explode in each other's presence." Jared looked angry at my words, but his words were rational.

"Andy is good for you. He's perfectly complimentary to your personality. He calms you down. He's level-headed. He's safe. But he's not your soulmate. I don't know how long it's going to take you to realize it, but you have everything you could ever dream of right in front of you." I scoffed.

"Don't go telling me how to live my life. I don't want Paul. I want Andy. I want him because he's the only person I can imagine starting a family with. He's the only person I can imagine being an amazing father to our kids. He's the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. Not Paul. Not anyone else." Jared only shook his head at my retaliation.

"You'll realize the truth, eventually. When you do, he'll be here. He'll wait for you for forever."

Jared left me standing in the cold. As if I was feeling the chill for the first time, I shivered violently. Jared was wrong. He had to be. But Jared had always been right before. I prayed this was an exception. I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to trap my body heat in. There was no further need to remain outdoors, but I didn't want to face Jared and probably Kim's prying eyes. I lingered just outside the back door for as long as possible. Jared had brought him back into my mind, tearing all the barriers I'd set up to keep his memory at bay. I felt a twinge of guilt.