Boys Like You

Chapter Three

(Remember that this book will contain themes of sexual assault. Please take care and stay safe when reading.)

CHAPTER THREE:
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'They tell me, "Don't go there We know you love a nightmare. There's more than a crush here. Why aim to be crushed here?"'- dodie

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When did you change? When did you morph into this nightmarish monster who disregards everyone who cares about you? Can the real you come back?

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Dr Emma Smith, her counsellor, had been seeing Carrie on and off for about ten or so years, after building up a solid relationship with her. Listening to Carrie describe would remain ingrained in Dr Smith's memories forever. While, it is indeed true that she has heard stories of some real horrors from patients, horrors that may be considered to be more severe than Carrie's experience, the way that 15-year-old Carrie told the story highlighted her pain. Blame was at the forefront of the story as she relayed it. Not the fault of Jack, but Carrie. Everything she said and how she did it indicated that she was blaming herself for not doing enough; for failing in some way.

"We had been close since we met. We sat together at the front of the bus, talking and playing games and watching movies. Every holiday we went to each other's houses or went on trips together. Once, we went to Knowsley Safari Park together, that's one of my favourite memories with him. Then, when we moved up to high school, new people in our year joined us on the bus, so we started talking to them more and each other less, worried that we would be made fun of if it was too obvious that we were so close. This time apart separated us, but it didn't mean we weren't still best friends. Most nights, we would talk, sometimes about random things, sometimes about more meaningful and deep things. We confided in one another, supported each other. Then came the time that Jack hit puberty, and it all changed. He started making more sexual references, and his interest in me became clear. We had always liked each other, it was obvious, but we were too afraid of rejection or ruining our friendship, so we said nothing. He asked me out a few times, and I said no because I was too scared. Having an attachment disorder meant that I ran away from any possible situation in which I was at risk of getting hurt. Of course, this didn't work, but I was scared of being vulnerable and making that new form of connection. I often wish I'd just been brave enough to say yes to him, who knows what would have happened? But still, we talked and remained close. I'm still not sure what happened to him... he's so different now. It was probably my fault. All of the times he asked for advice and support I should've done more. Maybe he wouldn't have changed so much if I had been a better friend."

Carrie had begun to give Dr Smith some context before telling her about the assault itself to give her an idea of what kind of relationship they had had before it changed. Both the doctor and her patient had a grim expression on their face as frowns pulled at the corners of their lips, and their eyebrows furrowed, mirroring each other.