Our Song

Our Song (34)

I felt lonely, even though I really wasn't. I had family and friends, and yet I still couldn't help but feel lonely. After depending on Blake for so long, not having him here with me just wasn't right. I didn't like it like this. I wanted Blake back and I wanted him now.

I was worried that people were starting to hate me because of the way I was now asking. Not everyone exactly loved Blake, but that was mostly because of Sean than anything else. Before me, no one knew who Blake was. And before Blake, I was actually popular. It was hard to believe that I was almost like Cassie, once upon a time.

I never wanted to be that way again. I used to judge people, Blake included, without even getting to know them. I wasn't exactly the kindest person, and I would get annoyed when things weren't fair. So much had changed during that school year, and I was now a completely different person. I knew that I was never going to be the same.

I got stared at wherever I went now, but it wasn't the same way people had stared at me all throughout my first two years of high school, or ever during the beginning of my junior year. People used to look at me with envy or admiration, but now everyone just stared at me as if I was a freak. It really bothered me, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was how Blake felt when everyone stared at him.

I wanted them to demolish the bridge Blake had jumped from just so I didn't have to look at it every single day. It disgusted me, and I knew I had the right to feel uneasy about it the first time I had ever crossed it.

"Hey," Sean said to me after school, but I barely even heard him. "Do you want a ride home?"

I stared right past him as I said, "No, thanks. I'll just walk."

Even though I had a car and I could drive, I found it calming to just walk around everywhere I could. Blake used to walk everywhere he went, so I decided that that was what I was going to do for a while. I was already listening to music during class like he had, so why not get a little exercise?

Sean stared at me, an expression I had never seen on his face before Blake's accident evident on his face. He hadn't even tried to hit on me once, and I was grateful that he was now just treating me like a friend and nothing more.

"Come on, Leah," Sean sighed now, blocking my way toward the exit. "You can't just ignore everyone and shut them out because your boyfriend is in a coma. You have friends and family that care about you, Leah, and we hate to see you hurt. Especially me."

For the first time in what felt like forever, I finally looked up and stared Sean right in the eye, glaring at him as hard as I could. Usually this would make him back off, just like it always did since we were kids, but Sean was not about to back down now. This guy loved me, and I had broken his heart. And yet, he still was trying to help me.

"I know what I'm doing is probably stupid and selfish," I began, not exactly knowing where this was going to go. "But I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could just act like nothing's bothering me, but I can't. I feel empty and cold. I don't want to feel that way anymore, but I don't know how I'm supposed to change. I just want Blake to come back."

"I know you do, Leah," Sean frowned, reaching out and placing his hand on my arm. "I know you do."

"And I just feel like I'm annoying everyone with how I've been acting," I continued now, knowing that he was one of the few people that would really listen to me. "I want to be happy, and I've even tried to act happy, but it won't work. Everyone's tried their hardest to make me feel better, but it doesn't help. What am I supposed to do if Blake doesn't wake up, Sean? What am I supposed to do?"

Sean just stared at me for a few moments, as if he was trying to make me feel better by just looking at me. Unfortunately, this didn't work. "I don't know, Leah. But you know that you'll have me, Leslie, Derrick, and even Cassie. You know you're not alone."