Going To Hell

How It Started

"Where, where am I?" I said, definitely so confused and all sweaty. I was lying on a hospital bed. Yuck. There was a bandage on my arm and my mom and Amy getting worried sick in front of me. Huh? Thought I wasn't important at all. Actually, I wasn't.

"Amy?" I said, hearing a squeaky noise coming from the door. A tall guy, dressed in white walked in.

"Why, Taylor?" Amy said. I could see tears in her diamond eyes. Her perfect shaped face was going red. Probably because she was going to cry. No. No. No. I made her cry but... how?!

"Why what?" I said, getting really annoyed. I didn't know what was happening neither if it was all because of me. Wait, everything was my fault.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I still don't know what I've done though. Why am I lying on a hospital bed?"

"You... I'm afraid you tried to commit suicide last night." the tall guy said.

"Who are y-. I didn't!" I screamed. I was totally freaking out. I couldn't remember a thing. I only knew I was just planning because of everything that was going on. I didn't even remember why properly.

"I'm doctor D. Derek. Sadly, Amy got you here last night. You were bleeding to death. Your arm was. "

"I don't remember such a thing! It wasn't me who did that! It was the..."
"The what?" doctor Derek said, taking a seat. "I'm afraid you don't realize what disorder you've got, mrs Momsen."

Then I remembered. I was in the bathroom, washing my hands and then I suddenly heard the voices. The voices telling me what to do. The urge to get the blade out of a shaver. I didn't even think of it. It was the voices. The second me. It wasn't my fucking fault, obviously. I didn't know what to do.

"The...voices. I don't kn-"

"Voices? What were they saying?" the doctor said, getting even more worried. "We...I thought you were just having a depression and tried to commit suicide?"

I didn't realize what I was thinking of, what I was saying. I wasn't me anymore. Not Taylor. Not the pretty one who liked being on the stage, not the one swearing at the crowd. No. It was the sad Taylor. Taylor who hid herself until now. I wasn't letting myself like this anymore. I didn't need help. I just needed to calm down.

"Taylor, why didn't you talk about it until now?" Amy said, tears streaming down her beautiful cheeks. She was so... pretty. So smart. She wasn't like anyone else. She never judged me for who I was or why I was stripping onto the stage. She just loved me, but she didn't know the sad me properly.

"I don't know, Amy."

It started when I was about 6 and I was going to school. I was just a blonde, blue eyed child with a really bright smile on her face. I wanted to be friendly. Well, as soon as I got there I was just ignored. I was unwanted. And oh, my darlings. I'd been a model since the age of 3.  My mom destroyed my life more than I could do it myself. All she wanted was money. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. Just NOT enough. I started feeling neglected. No one was home so I used to be really quiet and sing. I was scared of people. Yes, people were terrifying me. So I slowly bottled everything up. At the age of 10, the voices started coming. "Stop eating" ; "You aren't allowed to do it, remember, daddy and mommy are gonna get angry. "  People were just making me feel really anxious and I did hate being a model so much. That wasn't the childhood I wanted. At the age of 12, I first saw all over the news about a girl commiting suicide. I didn't understand that. Why would you take your life? That was all I thought but I finally understood. At the age of 13, my mom was saying how self harm was a stupid thing even though the voices were telling me to do that.She didn't know about it. She didn't know about anything like that. She didn't know that she broke her daughter's heart into pieces.

"A-Amy." I said, my voice was shaking. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. The voices."

"Hush, Taylor. That's why I'm here. I understand, you just need to have some time here."

"How long? Will you keep visiting me? Don't leave, Amy. Don't go." I said feeling my voice was cracking as I was gonna cry. I didn't wanna be alone especially in a hospital with insane people and doctor Derek. Wait, I... I was insane. I was in a MENTAL hospital.

Amy hugged me so tightly, waved then left. Doctor D told her to. He made my only friend leave. I fucking hated him more than anything. I knew if I cried on my mother's shoulder, she'd be like "Oh, Taylor. Stop with the voices. It's just a made up thing." Yeah, such a bitch. She chose fame over her family. Especially, fame on her daughter's shoulders because she was way too ugly and old to do it. Fuck it.

After hours of staring blankly at the walls, someone walked in.

"Lunch time." they said.

I growled. I didn't wanna meet new people. I just wanted to be me again. The happy Taylor.