Going To Hell

Miss Nothing

Maybe I was dead. I must have died when Sally started controlling me. No, Amy, we weren't going to make her go away. She wanted me to be like this. She said I deserved it. Not even the best pills wouldn't make her shut up for longer than 10 hours. I became nothing. I was Miss Nothing.

Before leaving, Amy gave me a kiss and a hug. She really thought she was going to save me. No, she wasn't. No one could ever make the voice stop. Not even myself. 

"Take care of yourself, baby." She said. "I love you."

"She hates you. You're wasting her time."  It was my dearest friend, Sally. I had no one. No one loved me. No one cared about me just because I was like that. Sally was just a total bitch, but she was right. She was my only friend. She was telling me the truth. I was wasting Amy's time. She must have needed to see her parents, to take care of her cats, to get out of the abusive relationship she was living with Shaun Morgan. I could tell he was abusive by the way he looked at her.  

"What are you waiting for? There are the paper sheets, the pens and your antidepressants right on the table. Have a seat and write your suicide note, you failure. " I felt like I was going mad. Well, I really was.

I got out of bed and headed to the white table. I got a paper sheet and also a pen and I started writing.

"I'm miss Autonomy, miss Nowhere."

I thought I could control everything, but I couldn't even control myself.

"I'm at the bottom of me.

Miss Andronogy, miss don't care

What I've done to me. "

I was the my roughest times and I didn't realize what I was doing to myself, how my thoughts were destroying.

"I'm misused, I don't wanna do be not your slave."

I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, being Sally's slave and doing whatever she wanted.

"Misguided, I mind it. I'm missin' the train."

I was missing chances in my life just because of you, Sally. I couldn't even have a relationship with Amy because of you. I was insaine because of your voice.

"And I don't know where I've been and I don't know what I'm into and I don't know what I've done to me."

I lost myself and I didn't know the new path to life. I didn't even know the new pills I was on.

"And as I watch you disappear into the ground
My one mistake was that I never let you down
So I'll waste my time and I'll burn my mind
I'm Miss Nothing, I'm Miss Everything."

Meaning that I wanted to make Sally go away. The times she didn't speak were perfect. I thought I was everything, but then I became nothing because of her. The thoughts were killing me. Sally and my thoughts.

"I'm miss fortune, miss so soon
I'm like a bottle of pain
Miss matter, you had her
Now she's goin' away."

I was a bottle of pain for Amy. I pushed her away and she was going to leave. I knew that.

"I'm misused, miss-cunt-strued
I don't need to be saved
Miss slighted, I mind it
I'm stuck in the rain."

There were me and Sally. I was stuck in that white room and I was going crazy, yet I refused to get help or be saved.Sally didn't want me to get better.

"And as I watch you disappear into my head
Well, there's a man who's tellin' me I might be dead."

When Sally went away, I knew I was going to die. I could imagine doctor D telling Amy I was no longer alive. Was I such a failure? Such a fuck up for everyone? I was so sorry for Amy, for my parents, for the doctor, for the nurses, for my fans. I wasn't myself anymore. That wasn't what I expected myself to be.