Trigger Warning.
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I felt the wind caressing my face. It was a calm night, usually this far up the wind was vicious and unforgiving, wracking your body with chills. But not tonight, no tonight it was gentle, as if it knew that tonight of all nights I needed a little comfort.
Opening my eyes I look at the city, it's beautiful at night, all the tall buildings stuck out over the meld of small ones. The soft yellow glow of lights create a serene feeling as I stand on the edge.
Looking down I see people, they all look like ants this far up. I know that the only way off is down, there is no other way.
Life has been so unforgiving to me, it's a constant year long headache that weighs me down.
After the Nogitsune and Allison, I found no way to forgive myself. My nights are an abundance of nightmares worse then before, plagued with the screams of his victims. And no matter how many times I scrub my hands, her blood still stains them.
Scott, hates me. It's a silent hate, one that consumes you, I can't let it take him. It was the little things that I noticed, always the details. He stopped texting, and slowly the calls became less frequent. He no longer made an effort to invite me to pack meetings, or approach me in the hallways. Distance and silence is what greeted me. He wasn't the only one, Issac left, gone with Chris, both not being able to bare the sight of me. I knew they called Scott often but never am I mentioned. Lydia's eyes flash in terror whenever I approached her, everyone's does. No one was the same. Derek was absent, not distant but absent, he left after the Nogitsune was defeated. No one knows where he went all he left was a note saying he had something to find.
I often wonder if what he's trying to find is himself, or safety from me. My dad is trying, but like everyone else he is terrified and on edge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's exhausting, the fatigue, the screams, everyone's distance, it's all too much. All I want is peace, and I foolishly believed that once he was out of my head I would get it, but all I got was a head full of hate. For myself, for him, and for everyone else.
I had a dream once, where instead of myself being the villain, I was the victim. It was a flash back to how it all started. I was there in the tub of ice inside Deaton's clinic, fully submerged and being held down. Deja Vu.
The only difference this time was that I can see everyone standing over me, watching me drown, watching me die.
I had one wish before I came to this point, standing at the literal edge, I wanted only one thing, Love. The all consuming kind where nothing in the world mattered except you and them. I felt it once, though it was one sided, he had me at private property.
Derek Hale deserved the world, and his strength truly shows in my moment of weakness. His whole family burned and not once did he waiver and stand on top of the tallest building.
Weak is what I am.
It's not anyone's fault but mine, in this situation it's my choice. It would be nice to have an apology before I went, an acknowledgement that I went through something tramatic and came out the other side scarred beyond belief.
But sorry won't save me now, not when my only way off is down.
I do wish I could call my friends when this is over, to tell them sorry, that I love them and miss them already. But the dead don't get the luxury of a cell phone to the living, ouija boards don't exactly count because no one knows how authentic they truly are.
I guess I procrastinated the inevitable enough, the guilt of leaving my dad only a note weighing me down. But I need it, the motivation, the guilt, the hatred, it fuels the fire that tells me that this is the only way out of my own personal hell.
Looking out into the world I take a breath, knowing that it will be my last, because I'm leaving soon.
I could taste my salty tears as they fell down my face, my brain scattered and leading me to the point of no return.
Just as I begin to take my final step I hear a voice scream my name. Quickly turning around I see him.
"Derek?" I question, but soon I feel myself lose my footing.
I see his face fill with terror and he begins to run for me.
I reach out my hands, wanting to touch him one last time but it's like the world slowed down and I felt myself slowly fall over the edge. Closing my eyes I feel the wind rush past me and somewhere I hear sirens blaring. For a bit it feels like I am dreaming. It's one of those dreams where you suddenly feel yourself falling, and you're paralyzed,with a pit in your stomach and you feel yourself becoming breathless. But it's not a dream, it is my reality and instead of waking up, I am met with Nothing.
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Sorry it's depressing.
