Letters to a Marine

a letter to a marine

Dear Marine                                                                                      9-20-12

                So today I know you asked me what I was freaking out about, or what I was going to freak out about. What I gave you was a true answer because I wouldn’t lie to you, but I don’t know if it was the full answer since I pushed it so far back. That’s what I do, if I get emotions or memories I don’t like, I will push them away, and you leaving is not the best of emotions. Now I know it is just boot camp, and just three months which isn’t to long in the 5 year period you signed up for, so I should be thinking in a positive way, that it is just boot camp, that it is only three months. I don’t know if I can.

                For you see you kinda got me to fall in love with you. It wasn’t to hard, or even a sudden thing, it was subtle, delicate, and a long process, I had pushed the emotions of me liking you away because I was sure that you would not want such a girl as me. I do not mean to seem sympathetic or an angsty teenage girl, I am simple saying I don’t know how an attractive, smart, funny, and amazing guy would notice me when I am surrounded by my friends who are all amazing girls. Now I know you dated some of them, and I know it should be weird that I am dating some of my friends ex, but you got me to fall in love with you.

                Back to the question you asked me though, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t freak out to you, I couldn’t cry and sob and wish for everything to be different, because you calm me, I can not be upset next to you when you chase all the badness away with a simple smile or laugh or hold my hand. So trying to think of why I was upset was hard. I tried to make a list.

1.       You are leaving

2.       I fell in love with someone I knew was leaving

3.       I didn’t know how much I loved you since I haven’t hit an end yet of my feelings for you

4.       I don’t know what to do because you are leaving

5.       I was confused about my feelings because I have never felt this way before

                So these five things have been running around in my head for two weeks, and now it is Friday, and you leave Sunday. Sunday, never liked the day much, Mondays are the worst, which was the day you were supposed to leave on until you got moved up. But I didn’t want today to end, while you probably didn’t think you did much when you held me or as I listened to your heart beat, you gave me something I had missed for a long time. Serenity. I was calm, and peaceful, you calmed me and relaxed me, even if all you did was had to hold me. It might of not mean anything to you, but it wasn’t any trifle thing to me.

                Now you will probably never read this. Since you are able to get letters I will defiantly write to you, I promise no dear john headings, but this letter will not be sent to you because I don’t think you need to be bothered with my silly emotions. I want you to be able to focus on your training without having to worry about me, because no matter what I will always be fine, as long as you promise to come back I will be just fine. I will be here waiting. Even if you hadn’t set the standards so high that no man will ever be able to reach the level at which you are to me, I would still have to find someone who did more than compare to you, even then I don’t think I would stop waiting for you. This is new to me because in a way to make little shields in my mind against hurt, I don’t get close to things that can hurt me, I have never gotten close to someone who has just left before. Of course there is my friend that moved to Virginia, but we are still close friends, with you it will be different because you will be gone. My family isn’t military, I don’t have military friends, so I am trying to figure out how to deal with you, loving you is just an added complicated bonus on top of it all.

                This is my promise to you, as long as you want and remember me, the little hometown girl, I will be waiting for you to come back and be the heroic Marine.

                Even though you are leaving, I still love you, so please stay safe and don’t offend the wrong people without reason.

                                                                                                               

                                                                                                    -your lady