Dear Marine 11-27-12
I guess sitting in a hotel room and staring out across a gray sky while writing to you is the recipe for sentimental reminiscing thoughts. More of a contemplating mood I am in. I had to stop writing, I write in pencil the question that just came into my mind, in giant letters the two words appeared that covered so many other questions.
Why me?
I looked at the graphite letters staring at me, not deeply engraved into the page, just kind of sitting there, as if unsure it belonged there. These two simple words covered so much. Why did I fall in love when I knew some fashion of pain would come in the end? Why did I fall even with your turbulent past? Why do I have an emotional wreck of a mind? Why did you choose me when I am so different from your others? Why can’t I get used to the idea that you aren’t here? I will think of something and just think I need to tell him this, or he would like to do this this weekend, its all useless stuff that isn’t important, but I just have to think to myself. He isn’t here, he will be later, but he isn’t now.
The gloomy sky of Boston holds no answers, some flags that I can see wave in the little wind, and a chill comes in from the window since its now 30 degrees outside. I could move away and warm myself, but I welcome the cold, feeling it bite a little on my hand when it touches the glass. This is the real world, this is what will never change. But I see my reflection in the window pane, my face blank, almost bored looking, the emotions churning in my mind not showing on my face. Everything in my head spins at once, happiness, anger, hate, love, sadness, giddiness, abandonment, joy. This storm of emotions only shows through the weather outside the door, like I could flatter myself with the thought that Mother Nature is conforming to my mind. I don’t write to you about these moments, I don’t write about the bad, the good is what I write, the happy moments. It must be more soothing to you to think that I am happy, maybe it will put you more at ease, my friend says I need to write about all of me, because you want to see me, but who wants to read about a wreck of a girl when you could have a happy girl? So I write to you as a happy girl.
Why do I have such a suspicious mind, ready for pain at any moment? It’s not like I have some giant sob story, or any real moments of pain. You could say I’m sheltered, so I have no reason to wait for pain from everyone. I listen to my friend and I hear as a friend, see her as a friend, think of her as my friend, yet in the back of my mind something says to me, she will hurt you. That little voice talks more about others than some, but I listen to people, which is why I’m called quiet, I simply listen. I don’t judge a person, or assume anything, I simply build up in my mind what that person is like on the inside. So with you, who you are on the inside is who you are to me on the outside, sure there are some dark corners you don’t tell me but I know are there, I don’t mind, we all have our dark corners, some people keep their insides dark to almost everyone. I just wish that your dark corners sometimes don’t leave me wondering why. Or that my friends dark corners related to yours don’t leave me wondering why. I am not good with real trust. I give everyone a little mediocre thing of trust, I believe the best in people, but actual trust, the trust that you won’t hurt the little part in me is not such an easy thing. Which is silly because there is no reason for me to be closed off.
So this letter is just for my suspicions. Mostly. And, well, I don’t want to lose myself.
It’s human nature, I throw out anchors to keep me in place, not wanting to get lost and adrift. i lost an anchor and floundered for a while, looking for something, a little confused why that chain had broken, it was so strong, one of my strongest. That’s how it works though, to many things change and a chain will break, change the water current, the temperature, the strain, and almost anything will snap given enough time. I had other anchors out there, I may have lost one best friend, but another just moved right in, I didn’t see it at the time, and I just now noticed it. I had locked around you early, securing you as an anchor, which I didn’t see because it is unusual, you were a risk, you are a risk. I don’t mind, you feel secure, my anchor is in deep. At first when we first started actually hanging out, during lunch with our friends, I would laugh at myself and ask myself what if he liked me? But I would laugh it away, you wouldn’t like me. So for some reason, that created you an anchor for me. I don’t know why, but it did.
So I don’t want to lose this anchor because then I will only have one and what if that breaks? And what if I get lost because our chain breaks? Or worse, what if our chain breaks because I change? I know I am not the girl I used to be since our group of four got together, you and me then our two friends, but now one of our friends moved across country, and you went to bootcamp, so now there is just us two, and it feels empty to say in the least. This is not the point of any this, I am simply trying to get my thoughts together so I can tell you what I think.
What I think. I think. I have changed since I met the three of you, and I don’t know if this change is good for me. I used to be quiet, smile all times, no stress, decent grades, did homework, stayed home, didn’t fight or stand firm, care about what others thought of me. I has an all around average person, staying under the radar to avoid attention. Now though I’m loud, have an emotional rollercoaster, everything is stressed, grades dropped because I haven’t done homework, I go out a lot with friends, I stand up and fight for what I want. I would never of even thought of silly stringing someone’s car or putting soda in water balloons to pop over someone’s head, and now that’s what I am doing. Yes I am having fun and laughing and feeling like I am actually living, and you knew me as this girl, the spontaneous one, you started her and you left her as spontaneous. What if when you get back and I’m not? What if I am back to being the meek girl? The spontaneous girl has stress in everything, but the meek girl just went through life with a smile.
I want to not have to stay up at night looking out a sightless window and wonder what I can and can’t do. I want to see my reflection and see the answer in my eyes, not a blank stare, like somehow I expect this empty glass pane to answer my questions. I want no stress, but I want you. Do I get both? Would life be that simple to give me all smooth roads with no hills? Probably not. I will try to find a medium in-between the spontaneous and meek, find out how to get the pros without the cons of them, but nothing is perfect, so I am sure that something else will come up and be wrong. For now though I wish you a good night and hope you stay healthy my marine. I will continue to stare out this window, not seeing the storm brewing but the blank eyes betray the churning emotions. The confusion, suspicion, and soul searching all going on as the cold works its way into me from the window, not bothering to move from the window as I sit here and ponder over these emotions and the questions running through my head. It’s a shame my brain can’t pay this much attention in school but instead uses its time to run through such frivolous stuff.
My breath fogs up the glass as I sigh in contemplation, I write those two words in the condensed air, watching them slowly fade, but the imprint of them is in my mind. Left there until answered if I ever ask.
Your Meekly Spontaneous girl
YOU ARE READING
Letters to a Marine
Teen Fictionthis is not a story, nor a fairytale, these are letters to my marine, just little emotional rantings that i have that maybe someday he will read, when hes back home
