Stormy

Chapter 33

"No, I'm not going to perform. I've made this decision and I'm still content with it. Sorry Martijn. But again, thank you for wanting to give me an opportunity like this one. I'm just not the right artist for that.", I say and don't really dare to look at him because somehow, even though I'm confident with my decision, I fear his reaction. Martijn swallows and then says: "For a moment I was hoping you'd change your mind." "Sorry.", is all I can answer to that. "Don't apologize. If that's what you want, it's fine. People in music put way too much pressure on artists these days anyways. I'm sorry if I acted like one of them. Never let someone talk you into something you don't want. Don't sign any shady deals...", he says, but before he can elaborate on that, his voice fades. "It's really not about you, Martijn, it's just something I had to do for myself.", I answer, still wondering what he was alluding to when speaking about those shady deals. Everything about his career seems so perfect, but somehow it sounded like he was speaking from personal experience. Though there is no chance he was alluding to his current team. Watse, Steven and everyone seemed to treat him like family. Or did they? Martijn now looks at me straight and says: "So if you're not coming to perform, would you at least come and see the show? Hear our song be premiered?" "I'm not sure yet, Martijn, to be very honest with you. I don't want this whole ADE thing to stand between us and be a relevant topic over and over again, you know?", I answer. "Whatever...", he sighs, "Just know that there will be a backstage pass waiting for you at the RAI anyways. Just in case you change your mind, okay?" I probably won't. But I don't want to hurt Martijn by saying that directly to his face, because I know how much the show at ADE means to him. That's why I go for a simple "We'll see, okay?" and after that, our conversation is done for the day.

I'm still lost in my thoughts as I head over to my Vocal Class with Mr. Alders afterwards. I still haven't made a proper decision about whether I want to join the showcase for the producer guys next week. Though Mr. Alders is definitely going to be expecting me to join. But Martijn probably doesn't even want to work with me for that. He's looking for a stellar vocalist, not a songwriter who can't make up her mind on the business. So what sense is there in joining the showcase after all? Just to please my teachers? "Good afternoon to you too, Julie!", Mr. Alders sharp voice suddenly pulls me out of my thoughts. I didn't even realized that I walked into his classroom without saying hello. "Excuse me, Mr. Alders. I was just lost in my thoughts for a bit. Good afternoon to you!", I quickly apologize and start unpacking my guitar. "It's fine, Julie.", he answers and we soon start with my warm up exercises. The routine helps me settle in and calm my thoughts for a bit. Focus needs to be on point. After going through the whole set of breathing exercises and warm up harmonies, Mr. Alders asks the question that I was dreading the whole way to class: "So Julie, I'm sure you're going to join the showcase next week too, right? You could be a really valuable asset to the graduation workshop for some of these guys. Have you picked a song for the showcase yet?" "I wasn't too sure, because I...", I stutter, "I'm currently trying to figure out which road I want to go down. Songwriter or singer. You know?" Mr. Alders nods his head and then suddenly offers an unexpected piece of advice to me: "You really shouldn't worry that much. From what I hear you are a talented songwriter and if you ask me, this is the quality the producers are going to be looking for. You can only get a strong vocal in such a short time if the singer is involved in the creation process of the song. They need a strong collaborator and not the person with the biggest vocal range. I mean it's up to you, but I'd suggest you join." What if he's right? What if I could be of help to maybe someone else than Martijn, if he didn't pick me? Wasn't that better than nothing? Mr. Alders was a tough teacher, but his opinions are generally always met with high respect and he does know what he's talking about for sure... So maybe I should believe him? Maybe that would take my mind off all the ADE hassle with Martijn? "Maybe you are right... Thank you for the advice.", I answer. "I'll give you five minutes to pick a song. If you can't come up with anything, we'll continue our usual work. So better start looking for one.", he says and I can't tell if it's a smile that he's hiding behind the harsh sounding tone to his voice. Alright. Let me do this. I quickly run through the songs on my Spotify. Sometimes I save them as potential cover songs. And luckily, every time I need one I do find a song in there. "What do you think about 'Castles' by Freya Ridings? That could fit my voice quite well I feel like...", I suggest. "Sure, Julie. I don't have a say in your song choice this time, so if you want to pick this piece, I'll be glad to help you with it!", he answers. I nod my head: "Yes, yes I want to try this one. I like how it's not as high but yet requires a strong and emotional vocal, especially if you break it down to an acoustic version." "Okay then let's get to work.", my teacher answers and we start to work out the guitar chords and a proper arrangement for my version of the song. I soon come up with a version on the guitar that we both are satisfied with, so then we switch over to the vocals. As always, Mr. Alders pushes me towards the boundaries of my voice, makes me try things in ten different versions, always stronger, always more effort. Somehow I like how things can never be quite perfect to him. It keeps you on your toes and when I'm strong enough to face the pressure, it nearly always forces a powerful vocal performance out of me.

"And I hate that you think that I'm weak
'Cause I don't wanna let you know"

Lyrics that hit home with me once more.