The King and The Lionheart (Loki fanfic V:1)

Stay Alive Part 6

After a while it seems that I was able to defuse the situation and the rest of our time passed rather quickly. Soon enough we are packing up to go back home "I expect to see everyone celebrating tonight," Einar jokes shaking his curls out of his face.

"I expect you to get a haircut before we leave for another mission," Caldor comments making the rest of us laugh at how red Einar's face gets.

"Ah, come on. Our faithful leader can't deny that we did well here," He tries again to lift the mood.

"Some of us did," I lift my head and see Caldor nods to me accepting that without me we probably would've been in a lot of trouble. "You on the other hand didn't do anything."

Einar stutters trying to find something to defend himself with but the others just laugh at my joke. Suddenly Odin pulls us through the stars and back into Asgard. I don't really know how to feel about being back here but for now I just have to stay goal orientated. The rest of them go off to drink but I slip off to the library, I do think that they're good people, but people are tricky for me to be around these days. I summon the pieces of paper with the drawing of my mark and the list of books I decided to start with.

I look through them until my eyes hurt and the text starts to blur. Sighing I pinch the bridge of my nose and look out the window. I can't seem to judge time anymore because everyone is partying while I'm reading. Although, then again, I haven't been in a partying mood for a while. I shake my head trying to rid myself of my thoughts and decide to just go to bed.

Tonight is the first time I've dreamt for a while. I dream of his face, looking at me like he used to, his hands, holding my face like I'm made of glass, and his voice. While I can't make out what he's saying, I can tell he's sincere and his message is one of love. I try to talk but find myself waking up far too soon, I grip his arms trying to keep him here, however it's pointless.

I wake up and feel the tears coming too quick for me to stop them. The only thing I can do is sit up and feel them drip onto my knees which I'm hugging to me chest. I see that the sun is only just rising and the lack of sleep causes me to feel even more emotionally drained than I am and causes my tears to come harder and faster. I spend the rest of my time off on researching my birthmark to dig up some hope of finding out where I come from. At least that's how I spend my days, I spend my nights looking into his face, it's different every time. Sometimes he's exhausted, others I can tell that he's been crying, sometimes we're in some location I've never seen before, and others it's a bright white room.

The missions started to be my only relief, it's the only time I could force myself to be around people. Mysteriously when I was not on Asgard the dreams about Loki aren't nearly as clear, it's as if he's even more out of reach. Although the missions are dangerous, it helps Eliina and I get closer, we have each other's backs and I trust her. We usually sit a few feet away from the rest who huddle around the fire, and we just talk. A different topic every night. I think for a while and then the thought finally strikes me "On our first mission you said that you were in love. Tell me about them?"

I hear her chuckle and I look at her out of the corner of my eye to watch her grin spread. The look in her eyes tell me just how much in love she truly is and I almost laugh at the dopey look on her face. "My Crissy. I had purposed to her right before that one mission you know," I shake my head to tell her I didn't know. "She is the celebration after a long war won, she is the finest of wines, and she... she is the best present I've been given. If we weren't already making plans for our wedding and didn't care about our family and friends being there, I would run away with her."

I let out a low laugh "She means that much to you," I say but she's still looking into the fire as if the flames flickering is her Crissy dancing for her.

"You said that you have been in love as well, tell me about them, tell me what they look like," She says quickly very enthusiastic about talking about my love life now. I smile lightly trying not to show any pain and take out the drawing of Loki that I always carry with me. I hear her gasp at the sight and out of the corner of my eye I see her tilt her head to read my face out of concern. "The prince?" She asks. I simply nod keeping my eyes on the fire trying to avoid looking at her. "Tell me about him," She says as she carefully giving me back my paper.

I sigh, I suppose it's fair though, she just told me about her love. "We grew up together, we didn't really come together romantically until about a week before he died," I look at her only to find her looking at me with pain in her eyes for me and I look back at the fire. "One of the things I loved about him was the way his eyes lit up when talking about something he was passionate about. I could've listened to him all day just to see that look in his eyes. We had a connection that I didn't have with anyone else, we understood each other in a way no one else could," I feel my damned eyes start to tear up again and stop there. After a moment I find myself talking again "That's the reason I had to become a part of the army again. I couldn't stop thinking about him, everywhere I went the haunted me."

"So that's why you're here, it wasn't you trying to prove that you were loyal to the king?" I look at her with confusion and shake my head. "That's what everyone thought. I'm sorry to say that before we met even I thought so."

"It's ok, as long as you don't think of me as weak I don't really care," I say flashing her a smile trying to lighten the mood, however she's having none of it.

"You can't hurry on the mourning process by throwing yourself into battle," She says looking at me with distaste for my actions "It's called a process for a reason, it takes time to heal."

I nod and we fall silent for a while. "I've come to realize that losing someone isn't so bad. Trying to live without them and having to learn, every day, how to live without them... that is true hell," I say and she nods in understanding.

"Alright. Enough of this bullshit," She says surprising me and pulls me up. "When we get back tomorrow we're going to go somewhere outside the palace and get drunk off our asses. Alright?"

"Yes, ma'am," I say laughing.