With Me Tonight

Chapter 27

As my mom filled up the sink with water, I started to clear the table of dishes. My heart was feeling very heavy.

After I got home and spent time with a screaming Boom and Sophie, my Ma started to make dinner. I hadn't realized how much I missed a home cooked meal until I sat down at the table and saw her glorious cooking. I almost cried when I tasted her mashed potatoes.

And now I was helping my Ma clean up, smiling to myself as I did so. It was so warm here, so comfortable. It smelled like fresh basil and the fire that was burning in the living room fireplace.

But it also felt heavy. Every step I took, or place I looked, I could see my brother.

The house was still decorated like it was when I was little. Ma liked to sew and knit, so the table cloth and chair covers were homemade. There was old paintings, clocks, and knick knacks covering the walls to hide the peeling floral wallpaper. Some of Cam and my old drawings from when we were young were still hanging in the living room, now next to some crayon art work from Sophie and Boom.

The kitchen was small, so I had to squeeze around my mom to bring more dishes in. She was humming a Gaelic song as she started to hand wash them.

The patter of small feet came charging into the kitchen, and I felt Boom and Sophie pulling on my shirt to get my attention. I looked down and smiled at them.

"Will you come into our room?" they pleaded, bouncing up and down.

As soon as I got here, they had already dragged me into their room to give me a tour of all their toys and paintings. But how could I say no to them?

"Let me finish up with cleaning and I'll come, okay?" I leaned down to them.

They nodded and then giggled before they both ran off back upstairs, making me smile.

"They've missed you," My Ma commented from the kitchen. I came over to help her wash the remaining dishes. "Hasn't been the same without ya."

I glanced at her, a sad smile taking over my face.

"Especially not since Camden," she said solemnly.

I felt a pain in my chest as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Ma."

"Oh honey I know, I'm real proud of you. Just wish ya would visit your old ma some more," she smiled at me.

"I will, I promise."

"Good," my ma nodded. "Now why don't ya tell me about New York? How is that store of yours?"

I smirked and looked down to the plate I was scrubbing. What to say about New York...

*

I found myself sitting up in bed during the night. I knew I was exhausted, I had barely slept on the plane, probably have been awake for a full day. And my bones ached from travel, but I still couldn't get myself to rest.

I was sitting in my old bedroom, how could I sleep when I was surrounded with all these old memories?

Boom and Sophie were moved into Cam's old room. The one my brother and I used to share. We grew up in that room together, but I remember when I was a teenager, I said I needed my own privacy. It was hard being a teenage girl and sharing a room with a teenaged boy, so my da turned the basement into a spare room for me. I was quite a pain in the ass.

But now that my niece and nephew were in Cam's old room, my ma had moved all of his stuff into mine. Boxes were stacked up in the closet, and some laid around the room freely. Dust was collecting on top of them, for I knew it was always too painful for my parents to go through them.

I remember after Cam died, when I came home for his funeral, I found that my ma spent many nights crying as she held onto one of his shirts. Soon, she packed it away, never daring to see it again.

But now I was here, looking at the boxes, and feeling their presence stick out. Every time I closed my eyes, I just started imagining all the memories that were inside of them.

My phone buzzed next to me with texts from Gus and Norman, but I just couldn't get myself to respond to them. I let them know I made it safely of course, but I found myself needing space. It took me a long time to come home, and I needed this time to assess myself.

I left my phone on my bed as I stood up, flipping on the lamp, and shuffling over to the boxes. I sucked in a breath as I sat down on the floor, hesitating for only a moment before I opened one up.

Inside were some of Cam's old knick knacks. CDs, puzzles, action figures, and movie posters he used to have hanging on his walls. One at a time, I pulled out old memories.

There was an old game boy with stickers on the back. I almost laughed as I pulled it out, but instantly found it get caught in my throat, tears pushing their way through instead.

My parents got this game boy for Cam and I for Christmas when we were young. Normally we didn't get much for Christmas, for my family never had much money. But I think this year my Da started to work a second job, allowing him to save up enough for it. We jumped for joy when we opened it up.

I also remember how much we would fight over it, trying to convince ma that it was my turn on the game boy almost every night. I swear Cam was hogging it.

I tear rolled down my cheek and I sucked in a breath. Eventually we gave up fighting over it. Each night, we would sneak into a fort we made out of blankets, and stay up as late as we could playing it. I would watch as Cam played for hours, laughing every time he lost. He would let me have turns too, but eventually I was just happy enough getting to watch him play.

A sob quietly rolled out of my chest and I bowed my head down, holding onto the game boy. I missed those days so much. When things were easy. When Cam and I were together. Before he died in my arms.

I let the game boy fall from my hands and buried my face in them, trying to quiet my sobs. There was so much emotion here, so much sadness that I ran from. And now I was here, facing it all.

I wiped some tears from my face and looked back to the box. Underneath were some of Cam's old clothes. I reached a shaky hand in to pull out one of his flannels. I clung to it and buried my face into the soft fabric. It still smelled like him.

I sat up and slid my arms into the shirt, letting the warmth and sent surround me. I clung to the sleeves as I pushed myself up and stumbled back towards my bed. Laying down, I curled up and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to be surrounded by my brother.

More tears fell down my face and soaked my pillow, so I squeezed my eyes shut. All these memories of Cam were the only presence of him I had left. And I was not going to avoid them or hide from them anymore. I missed him. I couldn't run from him.

I had spent too long hiding from what happened, trying to not think of all of it. I would freak out at any mention or thought of my brother. But now, now I was finally allowing myself to grieve like a normal person. Now, even though they hurt, the memories of him made me warm.

And I knew all the motivation for this growth stemmed from something. It was because of Norman.

Being with him was helping me grow as a person.

But I knew I had to figure myself out first, before I could really be with him.

So that night I cried, wrapped in my brothers shirt, feeling the presence of home weigh upon me.