Stranded with the Rockstar (Rockstar #1)

19. Sunny

Dear David,

Before you start worrying, just know that I understand you will never read this letter. I haven't completely lost my mind.

I know that you're gone, and that you're never coming back to me.

That might be the most difficult sentence I've ever written.

I don't blame you. I want you to know that too. Near the very end, I saw the look in your eyes. The guilt. I wanted to tell you that it wasn't warranted, but that would mean we had to acknowledge what was happening, and neither of us could do that.

When the rains came, and didn't stop for weeks, and then months, you just couldn't pull yourself out of your head. It was so cold, and so lonely, and so wet, all the time. I can feel the rain in my bones, as I'm sure you could too. It's impossible to get warm. The fire won't light, the sun won't shine, the tears won't dry.

When you first told me it was too much, I thought you meant the cold and the rain. But now, I know you could have meant the hopelessness, or the exhaustion, or the isolation. Because even though I was right there next to you, you weren't with me. You had given up.

But I mean what I said, I'm not mad at you for leaving me. The only thing that kept my mind clear this last month has been you, taking care of you, trying to save you.

How did we ever think this was paradise?

We should have known when the birds stopped singing. They sensed it long before we did.

Not that we could have done anything about it. Our boat was still damaged. We were still stuck here, wherever 'here' is.

I've had so much time to reflect on where it all went wrong—how we got here. At first, I blamed the storm. Then, I blamed the salesman who sold us a boat that couldn't withstand strong winds. But it comes down to me. I wanted to go on this trip, I convinced you. You only agreed to make me happy, because you loved me.

And I am so, so sorry. It's all my fault.

You're dead because I had some silly notion of restlessness. I was happy with you, and our families, and our friends. I should have just stayed happy, instead of wanting 'more'.

I hope you like where you're rested at. I also dug near your favorite mango tree, but ultimately decided to keep you close to the fish pond. You were so proud of your creation, and it made life easier for awhile. Although sometimes I wonder if you'd rather be laid to rest as I will be.

I'm going tonight—my pockets are already filled with rocks. I had to give you the words that I should have said while I had the chance, but then I'm doing it. I can't be cold or wet for one more day. And I can't take the loneliness.

I always wanted to be cremated and tossed to sea anyway, so I'm just cutting out the middle step.

I have two wishes. One is that I will see you again, somehow, someway, but even if not, I know I'll find peace. The second is that this God-forsaken island sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

I love you with all my heart,
Helen

Harry and I make eye contact for the first time since he began reading. I see that his eyes are shining, but neither of us speak. I'm too stunned to even giggle.

"A boat?" I ask, and Harry shakes his head.

"We would have found it by now. It either sank or floated away. It's anyone's guess."

And then, as if summoned by my overwhelming dread, the storm opens up and it starts raining.