It hurts like hell

Oneshot

The moment Simon found out, he had the feeling his world would fall apart. He had always been with Clary, been a part of her life for so many years. And now all of it was gone. How could it be that he didn't see it coming? Somehow he should have seen it. But he had not been alone with this. There was Jace who should have realized that something had been going on in Clary, the vanishing runes, the deep sadness, the despair. A part of Simon had wanted to make Jace the one who was guilty but he knew he wasn't. He was grieving as well. He was suffering.

One week had gone by, then another one, and yet another one and he was still waiting, hoping she'd come back, hoping the angels would have mercy. But they didn't. She was gone. With every day this realization grew bigger in him. What were just a few days, then weeks, became months. And it didn't get any easier. He saw Jace leaving the Institute every once in a while. He knew where he was going. And... he followed him. He wanted to see her himself. He knew he shouldn't. But he just had to.
Using his vampire skills was easy and Jace was so focused on Clary he would never have seen Simon who was standing not too far away, watching Clary as well. In the beginning she had been so confused but now she was slowly finding the way that was meant for her – if all of that wouldn't have happened.

Following Jace wasn't the right thing to do and he knew. He should draw a line. Clary was safe, right? There was nothing he could do anymore but letting her go. This was something so painful to him, but the most important thing to him always had been her safety. And until now nothing changed about it, although there was Isabelle at his side.
Every single time he came back from following Jace she knew. But it was obvious anyway with his eyes full of sorrow.

"You know you shouldn't do that" She just said.
"Izzy..."
She shook her head, gently placing her hand on his cheek.
"I know you will do the right thing eventually..."
She had to fight the urge to see Clary as well. She had told Simon that they have had the plans to become Parabatai but after Clary leaving and losing all her memories there had been no chance for them. She was grieving in her own way but sure enough it also wasn't easy for her.

Still, Jace was the one who suffered most. Clary was his everything. But it was exactly because of that, he had to move on. He had to let her go. Watching her was no good. Neither for him, nor for her. What if one day she would find someone else she wanted to be with? Simon didn't even want to find out what would happen then.

Since the vampire spent a lot of time in the institute he even realized that after a while Jace had started to smell more like Clary. At times her smell was all over Jace. It was especially in the morning that he could smell her all over him.
"Jace..." He wanted to talk to him but the Shadowhunter seemed to know what it was about.
"Don't. It's none of your business."
"You're hurting, Jace"
It was no good. Jace left without a word. It was not the first time and also not the last time and yet it was that time he found out about what else was going on with Jace. Alec gently pulled the vampire aside.
"Don't make him feel bad about sleeping in her room. It's what calms him, what keeps him back from hurting himself and I might be pretty selfish about this but... it's already like I lost a part of him. Losing him completely is... I couldn't bear it" Alec touched his side where the Parabatai rune was hidden under his shirt.
"I'm sorry. I just..."
"I know. Me too."
More words weren't needed between the two of them because they both understood and still, they couldn't do anything, change anything. The only thing that would bring Jace back to his usual self was Clary and nothing else.

As the time went by Simon managed to mostly keep his thoughts away from Clary. He forced himself to do so, as he knew that some day everyone would be gone. The first one he had to leave behind was his dad. He had died not too long ago and after that Luke had become his father figure. He had taken care of him, had talked with him about his responsibilities as a man – which had made him quite uncomfortable. With him also Jocelyn had been a part of his life, of his family. He basically grew up with her watching him and Clary. But this had soon been over as well, though death was something else than this situation. His mom had been the next one who was not a part of his life anymore. And while he had lost two people of his family before, he had never felt so much pain. It wasn't because she was gone, it was, because she still existed and he had watched her losing him, slowly. She had not been herself after losing her husband but losing a child just a few years after, had made her having a relapse. Hearing her crying had broken Simon's heart. And while one would think after all of this Simon should have gotten used to it already – losing a loved person was never something one could get used to.
But one could learn to live with the hurt somehow. And he did.