{Star Trek One-Shots}

Lonely (Jim Kirk)

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You sat there in the crowded mess hall, pressed up against your closest friends on the ship, but you had never in your life felt this lonely. You could see him from across the room, sitting awfully close to a pretty blonde ensign, grinning. Your heart wrenched painfully in your chest, forcing you to look away. The crew was celebrating a successful diplomatic mission, where the captain, yet again, was able to cleverly captivate the queen of another possible federation ally. Yeah. He had probably slept with her or something.

You and Jim had a painful relationship. For you, anyway.

You weren't sure how much longer you were going to be able to take it. You had been working on the bridge with him for almost a year, and you had caught feelings quicker than you wanted to and you weren't going to lie; it scared you. You were afraid of how much you loved him, just because he gave you some attention one time. You knew that you were just another name on the long list of girls that fell into his charming trap. You felt ashamed.

When you glanced back over to Jim's table to find them kissing, you felt sick. You hadn't noticed that your friends had all moved away from where you had been sitting, so it was easy for you to slip away unnoticed. Tears began burning in the back of your throat as the doors to the mess hissed open, letting a chilled wave of fresher air cool your skin. You started to feel better. You decided to head for the observation deck, since the system the ship was flying through was rumored to be particularly beautiful. Anything to get your mind off of Jim.

You stopped by your quarters quickly to change into something a bit more comfortable than your uniform.

You hugged your arms into your chest as you walked down the cold empty hallways. You had thought his sudden interest in you was actual interest, not just some phase that he would soon grow out of. Were you simply not good enough for him to want to stay? After you had kissed for the first time you were sure that it had meant something, even though you both had been drunk, but when he never brought it up you became unsure. The thought that maybe he had just forgotten it had even happened, or worse, didn't even realize it was you that he kissed, but you didn't want that option.

You couldn't help but feel that you just weren't enough for him. After he started distancing himself from you, unfamiliar self-consciousness started to descend on you like a plague. You started scrutinizing every little thing about yourself; your hair, your facial features- even the most minuscule and irrelevant things like your jawline and the color of nail polish you wore. You started changing, probably not for the better, and suddenly the only thing that mattered was getting Jim's attention to re-spark his interest. You started feeling disgusted by your body and started feeling anxious about how you dressed. Even conversation became something that concerned you and you had become cautious even of the things you spoke about. The only thing you started caring about was impressing him. It never worked. It was eating you alive.

The doors to the observatory slid open and your eyes widened. The system was breathtaking. It almost pushed Jim from your mind. You settled down on a plush couch in front of the window and gazed into the stars.

ᓚᘏᗢ

Jim felt empty. He had tried to find distraction from his issues in any way possible, but nothing worked; not even his everlasting love of pursuing women. He had found the blonde ensign in the midst of the party, easily pulling her under his spell. He tried to enjoy being around her, but he lost interest as soon as he spotted her in the crowd. He had been worried about her for the past few days; she didn't look like herself. She sat by herself sipping on a drink one of her friends had given her, staring off into space. It wasn't like her to spend a party by herself.