Enamoured

Scars

I was walking through a dark alley and the moon glowered at me, as if it had some sort of revenge to take from me. I felt the fear making my heart pound furiously. I raised my right hand to my chest with shaky breaths, to feel my heart beating. I always did that when I had to reassure myself that it was okay to be alone, that I was alone, not lonely. The chilly air was getting to my bones and I hugged myself while making my way back home. There were people roaming on the streets but not in this alley. This alley was sombre, and it wasn't reassuring at all. It didn't put me in the lightest picture that I could have had some company in order to feel the walk as less lonely, even if it was someone I didn't know at all.

I started quickening my steps as these thoughts raced through my mind. It was so quiet that I could hear my own steps. I shakily reached for my phone in my front pocket and started dialling Connor. I was sure he'd pick up because it'd been long since, we talked at all. I always went back to him whenever I'd be in defying situations. He would be my rock. Or rather, he used to. That thought pinged my heart as I wondered if he'd pick up my call. I counted the seven times that the call rang until he picked up.

"Hello?" Connor responded with a hurried voice. I could hear some noise in the background. It could be that he had some friends over.

"Hey Connor. It's me, Dior," I said. My reply to him was followed by a complete silence which felt like eternity.

"Oh uh hey Dior. Hmm what's up?" his reply was wry and restrained. I could sense the hesitation in his voice.

"I was just wondering if we could talk," I answered hopefully.

"Yeah uh I'd love to but uh I'm quite busy right now. I'll call you back, okay?" He cut shortly.

"I...," he cut the call before I could even respond.

I just stopped in my tracks, still in the dark scary alley. I had had enough of always trying for Connor Dane.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I hugged myself even tighter and got on my knees. I knew what he was up to but I had been running away from it for too long. The tears just rolled down my cheeks. I let them swirl out as they'd been holding on for 5 months of Connor being on and off. That was when I finally burst out crying. My heart was in pieces as I felt the swelling pain that was about to burst in my chest. I couldn't breathe and cry at the same time. All I wanted to do was scream. For being stupid, for loving someone like that. I had to go see him. I had to face it. I stood back up.

Suddenly I could hear Clara's voice from a distance.

"Dior! Dior! You okay?"

I felt her shaking my arm. I slowly opened my eyes to see her worried face in front of me. I was stunned. She held my hand strongly and pulled me up so I could sit on the bed. I slowly sat up.

That was when I knew. I knew I was having this nightmare again...

"Dior are you okay?" she worriedly asked holding my right hand in her lap then pulled me into a warm hug. I was still in shock. I always went into shock for a few minutes after having this nightmare but I wouldn't call it sleep paralysis.

I pulled back from the hug and looked down on my lap with tears brimming my eyes. I used my left hand to wipe away the tears which were pouring out warmly down my cheeks.

"Dior it's been one year. You need to let go now," her voice was so gentle. Clara knew everything that happened with Connor. She was right. It had already been one year. And I knew that I had to let go.

I finally mustered up some courage to look up at her only to see her concerned face looking back at me.

"I wish I would stop dreaming about that night too," I smiled weakly.

"I know you do sweetie, I know," her eyes started to well up.

"Clara what time is it?" I suddenly asked.

"4 a.m." she replied, her eyes searching mine.

"Okay," I pulled off the duvet and started getting out of bed.

"Where are you going?" her question was hurried filled with concern.

"I need a run," I replied as I changed into my leggings, t-shirt and jacket. I walked to the shoe rack to get my runners. I could feel her eyes looking at me from behind. If only I would make her less worried about me. I felt guilty about it but she never once complained about my cries while I was sleeping. She was the only one who knew about it and she was the only one I trusted. We had been best friends since Grade 6 so our friendship was one which couldn't be shattered by just anything at all.

I tied up my hair in a ponytail and made my way to the door. I turned around the door knob and turned around to look at her. She was still standing near the bed looking at me.

"Go to sleep bestie. I'll be fine, don't worry about me." I opened the door.

"Okay you be safe," I heard her behind me.

"You too, I'll see you when you wake up," I looked at her and smiled.

I closed the door and started making my way to the jogging track.

I had only one thing on my mind, to run until I couldn't think or feel anymore.