Enamoured

Because It's You

Ryan squeezed my hand tight and looked at me. His eyes held a meaning that was unknown to me and yet, they held a familiarity which kept me safe. He hurriedly took me out from there towards the university park. We walked past the building of classes and I just followed, silently. He was still holding my hand and that was making me blank for I couldn't give way to any of the thoughts in my head.

That scene was a lot to take in, for both of us I guess. Especially for me, because I wasn't used to being the centre of attention.

Students around campus were looking at us, shocked by seeing us holding hands, and seeing Ryan taking me with him. It was suddenly a known feeling to me, and it made me wonder why.

I started feeling more and more conscious about him holding my hand. His grip on my hand wasn't too strong, but not too weak either. It was just the right strength, which made me feel safe, once again. Why safe? I had only just met him. I was getting nervous because of it. It started to make me feel weary.

Finally, he led us in the backyard. The backyard for the park had a breathtaking view and it was known to be one of the most beautiful places on campus. The tall big trees with plenty of lush green leaves gave way to streaks of sunlight. The leaves on the trees were blowing softly, with the cool wind, and there was no one apart from us. He made us walk on the smooth lawn until we reached a cornered wall where I knew that no matter who got into the backyard, he or she wouldn't see us.

I suddenly felt more conscious around him. Because it was just the two of us. But how could I be feeling this way when I only met him until recently? As these thoughts rush through my head, I wanted to hug myself tight, something I would always do whenever I knew I had to reassure myself. But then, I realised that he was still holding my hand.

He was standing in front of me, and I could see the back of his head, with his glasses carefully put on his ears.

He let go of my hand, took a deep breath then turned around to look at me. His eyes were filled with concern, through those square-framed glasses. And I loved the way the wind was blowing softly through his hair. I suddenly felt myself blushing. I wasn't used to him looking at me bluntly like this in the eyes. Why was this feeling so known to me? Why does it feel like a déjà-vu when I had never met him before?

"Dior, I know I shouldn't have pulled you like that," he started. Did he regret doing that? Was he feeling bad for holding my hand and walking around campus like that? After all, Kristina was his closest girl friend.

"Ryan, I -"

"I want to be with you Dior."

I was stunned. Wait, what? My face was filled with surprise and I stood still, motionless. Snap back to reality Dior! Was this a good idea, considering my past...

"I've got too much baggage Ryan," I finally said after getting my thoughts together. "And we hardly know each other. We can't be more, just like that, right?"

His eyes were searching mine. I could see pain in them, as if he was resisting his words; as if he wanted to share something with me but he couldn't. His eyes were filled with hurt and I couldn't understand why. He barely knew me so why was he hurt?

"So do I. I have baggage too Dior. But if you need time to think, then I'll wait. It's driving me crazy not to be direct with you," his eyes were sincere and it was heartbreaking to me.

"I don't have the strength to be hurt anymore Ryan," I replied weakly, not bearing to look at him and stared down at my shoes. This whole situation was making me muzzy.

I started feeling weak in my knees. I knew that I had developed a liking for him, but, reality hit me hard. I couldn't go through that again. I was a broken soul, and I knew it.

He took a step towards me and I wondered whether I should've taken a step back. "Dior, look at me." I couldn't. The fact that I felt like he knew me led me to not look him in the eyes. It was too much to take in one go.

"I'm sorry Ryan. I just think that you deserve better. Someone like-"

"Like Kristina? Seriously Dior?" I looked up at him. Tears started to well up in my eyes. I was messing this up and I knew it. But I'd rather suffer now than having to suffer from a heartbreak again.

"Someone with less baggage." I cut shortly.

"I'm not letting go of this Dior. We both know that there is something between us," he said exasperatedly. His face was serious and it was making my heart beat fast. "I'm not saying for us to be official if you're not ready but at least, let's get to know each other?"

Getting to know each other? I could probably set some boundaries...

"Can we do that by not being together?" Probably friends..? Who was I kidding?

"Anything you want, Dior. But don't keep me at arm's length like you do with the rest. Just let me in, by taking your time, okay? Just don't close me off, it's driving me nuts." Letting him in..?

"I'll try," I looked up at him. "Because it's you."

He was different and I knew it. I really wanted to make an effort, for this, for him. I was scared yes, but I couldn't remain like this forever.

I saw his jawline relax and his lips slowly turned into a small grinning smile. And that was it, we were looking into each other's eyes again. The wind was blowing softly while playing with my hair. That look, felt like we could see into each other's soul. He was too good to be true.

Ryan Cooper, the hottest nerd on campus, someone who every single girl wanted to be with, was here, with me, away from everyone else. And he was looking at me. I knew I had trust issues. I knew I wasn't being fair to him. But I had to do this for myself. If I had said yes to him, I'd be filled with questions on my mind. We knew we had something going on, but if I didn't try to give a chance in my life, I might be losing something significant. Why significant? I had yet to find out.