Enamoured

I Understand

I could feel my pulse racing and my heart rocking against my chest as I did my 12th lap. I was exhausted but this was the only thing that made me peaceful, that calmed me down. My feet were unable to stop. Because the physical pain was better than the torn feeling shattering my heart further. All I could do was to run faster every time Connor got on my mind. It was the best thing for me, not to fall into depression.

The pain that I was feeling was so overwhelming that I thought my heart was breaking endlessly into pieces again. This was how I had been feeling ever since I decided that it was time to let go of him, for myself.

His touch, his kisses, his hugs, our joyous moments together, I wished I had never lived those. Because I regretted them, I knew it was something I would always have regrets about. I was over Connor but the scars remained. In fact, the nightmares were testimony of the last time I had spoken to him before I discovered that he had been cheating on me for a long time. It was more like one girl wasn't enough, so he went for three at the same time. I didn't have feelings for him anymore but the scars remained. I could still feel the hurt whenever he cropped in my mind.

I could feel my legs getting weaker so I slowed down and started walking. I didn't want to collapse so I tried to steady my pace and walk slower. My breath was shaky and it was then that I could see other students jogging. So many of them, each with their own lives. Some were happy and others were neutral, probably trying to deal with their own emotions just like I was.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax to let the cool air sink into my nerves and kept walking. I opened my eyes and I could feel the cool air through my messy ponytail.

"Dior," someone said softly.

I was startled as I didn't expect to see any of my friends that early. I stopped in my tracks and looked by my side. Right next to me was Ryan.

He was in his running clothes too, all in black, probably he had a thing for Nike, the whole of his sportswear was Nike. That was good taste to me. He looked a bit out of breath so I guessed he was jogging too. I wondered if he had seen me crying while jogging though. I hoped not. I'd be lying if I denied that it was strangely comforting for him to be next to me right here.

"Hey Ryan," I averted looking him straight in the eyes. I didn't want him to see my teary eyes. I knew he had already seen it though.

"Didn't expect to see you here early morning," I looked up at him. His eyes showed concern.

Probably he could see that I was crying. But he didn't ask anything. He just looked me in the eyes with worried eyes. Then something unexpected happened, I suddenly felt safe under his gaze. That was a scarce feeling to me.

"I needed a run," I feebly said with a weak smile.

"Me too! Well I'll walk to your dorm. It looks like you're done with jogging for today." More like an order, I thought to myself.

"I am but what about you?" I was pretty surprised that he wanted to walk me to my dorm. "I can just go on my own." Was I running away again? Oh yes, I was.

"I know you can." And with that, he just tagged along.

The walk was quiet, but comfortable. I wasn't in the mood to talk and he just accepted that. He was just keeping me company. I wondered why though. It felt strangely comfortable not having to say anything. Being quiet with him felt comfortable. Being myself with him felt comfortable. My mind was clearer after that jog. I felt a bit better as I was too exhausted to hurt.

The walk was slow and relaxing. It was the moment right after dawn when I could hear birds chirping on the freezing morning. The sky was getting illuminated with streaks of feeble sunlight ad the leaves on the trees were softly present. I didn't say anything and he didn't ask anything. It was just us two walking, as if we had known each other for years to reach this level of ease in our silences. I liked that. I liked that he was just here, and a part of me wanted more. But I knew that many girls were after him, and that I was just one of the so many girls around him.

Finally we reached my dorm. I didn't want the walk to end and I felt guilty for it.

"Thank you, and I'm sorry I didn't talk much," I said while looking at the ground. I was a bit embarrassed.

"Thank you for letting me walk you to your dorm," his answer startled me. I looked at him to see a cute grin on his face and that made me shy. "You don't have to say much with me Dior, if you want to be quiet, then you be like that, no pressure." His eyes were so gentle and I couldn't help but liking this current between us at this very moment.

"Do you have class this morning?" he asked.

"Yes. What about you?" Why was he even asking?

"Me too. Your classroom is 1C, right?" He asked thoughtfully.

"How do you know that?" I was shocked and looked at him agape. That caused him to giggle so I closed my mouth and regained my composure.

"Well you're the prettiest girl on campus and many guys talk about you," he said it in a casual and I couldn't help but blush. "I'll see you after class!" And with that, he was already turning to jog back.

"Wait, what?!" I was too shocked and froze.

What was he going to do? Was he going to pick me up from class? Oh my gosh... I hoped not. That would totally get me in the limelight.

The thought got me panic-stricken. There was no way I would be able to get some rest before class. With a rushed heartbeat, I climbed the stairs and made my way to my room.