Feelgood // Nikki Sixx X Tommy Lee

Chapter 10 - Home Sweet Home

Tommy -

The past 10 days have come and gone. It was a good run on the road. But I’m glad to be home for a few weeks. Christmas is in a couple of days, and I just want to savor this time off with the love of my life. 

Heather joined me for a few days while on the road. It made me feel like the king of the world. She adores me, and I just felt like the luckiest man alive to have her at my side, watching me beat the hell out of the drums, and then getting to leave the stage to fall right into her arms. When she’s here, I can’t even imagine why anyone else ever appeals to me, and why I sometimes step out. It doesn’t make any sense. 

Usually when Heather is around on tour with us, Nikki hounds me to hang out with him. He’s so persistent and annoying that sometimes that he starts to piss Heather off, and I have to tell him to fuck off or get up in his face. But, this time, he didn’t bother me at all. He laid low while she was there, and for the rest of the leg of the tour. I mean, we did kind of get ourselves back on track. We got back to a place where we laugh and hang out together, but something seemed off. I’m positive it had to do with our encounters with each other. The Terror Twins never made another appearance for the rest of the leg of the tour. But I’m pretty sure after this lengthy break, we’ll all feel energized and ready to tour the hell out of the next leg. We’ll get our fire back. I miss Nikki, but this break is what we need. We’ll be kicking ass again soon enough. 

OK, I’m lying a little bit here. I’m on edge about Nikki’s solemn behavior. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but I’m really worried about his drug habit taking control of him. I know he’ll be fine. He always is. Maybe I should call our band’s drug and alcohol counselor, Bob, and ask him to check up on Nikki during the break. I’m a little afraid to do it myself. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to fuck. Both of those have to stop, but Nikki is so unpredictable sometimes that I can never really know what might happen when we get together. Maybe I should invite him over for Christmas. He has no one to celebrate the day with. I know he likes solitude, but it’s not good that he likes it. He’s lonely, and I don’t know how to change that. He chooses loneliness. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask him to come over. I know he won’t come though. He’s uncomfortable around Heather. Maybe I’ll just call him on Christmas. He’ll be fine. He’s always fine. I just need to remember that. I seem to worry a lot for nothing. I really just need most of this time off to be home and alone with my wife.

Nikki - 

I’m so relieved to be home. The last ten days of the tour were hell for me. I felt like shit the entire time. Pissy and irritated about most things. My 29th birthday came and went. We went out to a strip bar. The guys showered me with some attention, everyone got smashed, but it was really just your average day on the road. Nothing special. What was special was a few days later, with five days left to go, our limo driver was able to score some dope for me from a local connection he had. A nice little belated birthday gift. I was one hit away from running out, and was thrilled to be restocked. I celebrated that night by over doing it. I overdosed, alone in my hotel room. I knew as soon as I was done injecting that I went too far. I went out fast, skipping the euphoric feeling that usually comes with each hit. It’s not the first time that I’ve done this. I have learned how to gauge where the OD line is. I guess I was just a little zealous with my fresh score. Aside from one overdose that happened in London, I’ve always been able to come back on my own when I make a mistake. It’s risky, as my breathing falters and slows and my heart rate drops, but I’ve always woken up, as I have with this last one. And thankfully it happened on one of our days off; recovery is a bitch. 

As for the band, well, they’re all another reason I couldn’t wait to get home. Vince was just being an asshole. Anything that he could find to complain about, he did, including shit about me. Mick has completely exposed his relationship with our back-up singer, Emi. Even sitting together on our jet and backstage. He knows I’m pissed. He’s going to learn the hard way when she takes him for everything he’s ever earned. Mark my words. Then Tommy, ever since Heather met us on the road, he’s been acting like he’s king shit, and better than all of us. He can go fuck himself. He goes and marries some rich, elegant TV star, and now thinks he’s some elite asshole galavanting around with her. That’s not who he is. He forgets his roots, and who Motley Crue is. A sleazy, raunchy band that doesn’t give a shit about popularity and elitism. Nonetheless, I did my best to keep peace and faked my way through pleasantries with everyone in the band and our staff. Smiled for our fans. Fucked a few desperate ones. But I just need a break from all this band bullshit. I know we all do. Everyone is out of control and ready to crack. After our two weeks of reprieve are up, I bet we’ll all be aching to get back out on the road and embracing one another. We have a straight up love-hate relationship. 

But being home, isn’t really a great thing for me. It means me, alone with my drugs on most days. My dealers know that I’m home. My junkie friends know it too. I’m actually much more likely to get into trouble at home. I’m not sure what to do about the dope. I was thinking of binging hard for a few days, maybe just to get through Christmas, and then weaning myself off again, so that I can be road ready. I’m just not sure yet. Withdrawing is the worst feeling ever, and so hard to deal with. Yet, I just need to get through Christmas. I’m on the verge of being a full-time junkie again. Maybe not even on the verge, probably already am. Shit.

I spent the past two Christmases alone, or at least with no one special. I seem to be on the same trajectory for this one. Mostly just me and my drugs. I’ll never admit it, but I feel lonely, especially when all of my bandmates go home to wives or girlfriends, and plan special Christmas Day activities. I have no one. I’m thinking that maybe I should book a flight to go see my grandpa. I’m sure that he’s lonely too. But, I don’t think that I’m in the right condition to pay him a visit. Besides, I don’t really want to take the chance to see any other family, especially my mom if she decides to go out there for a visit too. She and I have no relationship. I’ve tried, but she only thinks of herself. I can’t be part of a relationship like that. And it’s funny, that’s what Tommy says about me; that I only think about myself. I don’t agree with him, but if there is any truth to that, I must get that shitty trait from my mom. Regardless of how I treat my friendships, parent-child relationships should never be one-sided. I got fucked with that from both of my parents. Since Nona died last year, my grandpa is the only person left in this world who loves me unconditionally. I will definitely make it a point to call him on Christmas Day; that’s the least I can do.

I’m going out tonight with some friends, none of them being my fucking bandmates. Happy about that. I just need to be away from them. I’ve been such a recluse lately; on the road and since I’ve been home. I think a night out might put me in the Christmas spirit. First to my favorite nightclub, The Cathouse, owned by my friends, plenty of drugs and booze, and then to a party pad where my friends, like Slash, are living for now. 

One of my best buddies, Robbin is joining us. It’s a night out with a bunch of guys in some up and coming bands. I would love to get one of these bands as a support act for future legs of our tour. I’m working on it. Time to shower, and not look like a pathetic heap of trash.