Burial Mounds ( Yiling)
Lan Zhan
My dearest husband... It is so difficult to know where to begin, how to consolidate and make sense of two decades worth of time together, during which we have weathered so many changes both individually and as a couple.
I've started this letter many times, deleted it many times, not satisfied with the way I've put my feelings into words.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, nor to diminish the hurt I've caused you, and yet, I also feel I owe you an explanation of sorts, if such a thing is even possible. And by way of explanation, if I appear to be shirking my culpability in any way, please know that is not my intention.
I merely feel that out of respect for you, I need to try to explain the way I am, the way my mind works, and the skewed perception that appears to color most of what I say and do, and which leads you to believe that I was "programmed to hurt you."
I wish I could magically find the right words to express my feelings and give you a glimpse into my innermost thoughts, my very soul, though you've said more than once that you wouldn't want to see inside my mind because it seems so foreign from your own.
As I look back over 16 years, I wonder what the exact moment was that I lost you, when you recognized something amiss and began the endless cycle of wanting but not getting what you have every right to: love, affection, passion, companionship....
The list goes on, I know, further subdivisions and subcategories of the myriad ways in which I've failed, not only as a wife/husband but also as a person.
My shortcomings haunt me because they extend like sinister tendrils into every aspect of our relationship; even those things that you once enjoyed with me, things that rendered us closer, things that made us laugh in shared silliness, are now tainted and destroyed.
From Yiling Patriarch,
Wei Wuxian
