Believe (BWWM) (On Hold)

It's The End of the Beginning

 Sometimes it's difficult to come to terms with yourself. Are you good enough? Are you happy with who you are? Would you change anything about yourself? It's hard not to focus on the negatives when that's all you've come to know in your life, that seems to be all that's portrayed in this dull society. How we should be, what we should look like, how we should act, but why go for set standards when you can just be yourself?

        No, no, no. We have to be perfect. Skinny, long hair, tan skin, perfect teeth, pert ass and perky breast, not an ounce of fat on your body. Anything out of that criteria is wrong. Media does nothing but brainwash young minds into thinking that's okay, and I am one of those young minds I admit. Here I am with this curly, ratty hair, big forehead, gapped straight teeth, peanut butter caramel complexion, and I am definitely far from skinny. I'm 180lbs of pure blab. Love handles, thunder thighs, muffin top, barely noticeable, but I see them there stretch marks, boring brown eyes, need I go on.

        I don't fit into this society and I'll never be what they want me to, but maybe I wasn't made to please them. Maybe my purpose is to stand out and take a stand, and be happy with the way I was created because I am different. I break boundaries. I'm not the normal young woman you see, standing confident in stature. I'm broken, but I want to fix it. I don't want to be disgusted with the way I am because some one out there, other then myself won't care about those things.

I'm on a journey of healing you could say. I wasn't always this way, but I shouldn’t have listened to others irrelevant opinions and let them drag me down this seemingly uncharted oblivion to nowhere. If I'm not happy with how I am I can change it. It won't work over night, and I may not reach the goals as quick as I want, but I am going to do it. I am going to do it because I know I can, and I believe I can. It starts now...

Reminiscing About The Past

It all started in elementary school, where boys had cooties, and you didn't have to worry about what was to come in the future. Everything seemed to be just perfect that is until you are graced with the god awful wrath of mother nature. Your period. Aching, cramping, bleeding, worst sleep your ever experience without the godly pill of ibuprofen...medicine.

        Not to mention the soreness of your non existent breast- excluding myself because I started early- because of their beginnings of development, and on top of that the pricey nature of a damn bra. I mean seriously? Who pays that much money for bras? It's not my fault I was so cursed to carry bigger breast then anyone else. As the years went on, I damn near went up the whole damn alphabet, anyways back to the present moment.

Boys. Boys didn't seem to have cooties anymore. Instead of cooties they were now cuties. I was always that quiet shy girl. Awkward, quiet, and never said much. Boys never paid attention to me and instead made fun of me, especially for my gap. I'm sorry I didn't get graced with a picture perfect smile, my bad.

        I was always the very observant child though. Watching interactions, how and why people did the things they did – which some things I'll never seem to understand- and I didn't have many friends. At least I thought the people I was associating myself with were my friends, until they grouped up and talked about me behind my back. Glorious.

        There was this one boy though, AC. He was so gorgeous. Tall, smooth milk chocolate skin, popular, had everyone around him all the time. Very social. I never said much to him because I knew he wouldn't like me, but I wouldn't want to spend my little mind wandering thinking what if.

It was around lunch time, oh and this is 5th grade by the way. The usually rowdy banter and horseplay was oh so evident. Did they really have to talk that loud? Sheesh. Today was the day I was going to get the courage and tell him I liked him, and that ended up being one of the worst mistakes of my life, but you live and you learn.

                Let's just say this he looked me dead in my eyes, laughed causing the attention to be drawn towards us, proceeded to exclaim to the whole cafeteria that I liked him and he thought I was ugly, had the whole cafeteria laughing, and proceeded to go about his business like I never even existed. Worst day of my life, and also a real damper to my already deteriorating self-esteem and confidence. I guess you can say that was the start of my self hate. It wasn't as bad, but a few future happenings will contribute towards the disbelieve I carried about myself ever being classified as beautiful.

So, what did you guys think? Most if not all the situations I mentioned are things that've actually happened to me, but I'm not angry about it anymore. I am actually glad I got to experience such things because they shaped me into the young woman I am today. I am still not very confident within myself but everyday I find something more and more to love about myself. I am always a continuous work in progress. But on a last note, don't ever let someone make you feel like you aren't good enough, or you can't do things because you're a certain way. No one elses opinion matters but your own, and you can do whatever you want to do, and be whoever you want to be as long as you are staying true to yourself. Remember, if you can't love and be happy with yourself, then how is someone else going to? Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read my story.

Sincerely,

Savvy