Stay Beautiful Keep It Ugly

Chapter 13

    I went to my English and I looked around the room. Gerard wasn't there yet. I ran to my seat, sat down, and put my head down. Hopefully Gerard would get the message that I didn't want to talk. I could tell when Gerard came in and sat next to me. I felt him rest his hand on my shoulder. I didn't bother shaking it off.

"Toria, I get that you don't want to talk about it right now. You don't have to. But I would like to talk to you about it when you are ready," Gerard whispered to me. I sighed and sat up.

"Okay. I'm not sure when I'll be ready, but I will talk to you. I promise. Not today, though," I promised him. He nodded and grabbed my hand. I smiled, thinking how at the beginning of today I was holding Mikey's hand, and now I needed someone to hold my hand. Some people are stronger than others in one subject, but are weak in others.

Mrs. Jennings came in and started class, leaving the only way Gerard could comfort me was squeezing my hand. Not that I minded though. Gerard's hands were warm and soft, but he had calluses on his fingertips. Slimb fingers that made me think of him as an artist. Scares of the back of his hand that made me wonder where they came from. Angry pink scars that were raised; maybe made recently? Some looked old; they looked darker and weren't raised up. But the back of his hand was covered in scars and that made me worried. What were they made from? Where they made intentionally, or on accident? If they were made on purpose, why did he feel that way?

I shook my head. I had no room to be worried about Gerard and if he was cutting himself, or burning himself. I was cutting myself and I didn't see anything wrong with it, so why should I think it's wrong for Gerard hurt himself? It's his body; he can do whatever he want to do with it. But still, I didn't want Gerard to feel the way I do. Feeling worthless and feeling dead on the inside isn't a good feeling to live with. I looked away from Gerard's hand and tried to keep my mind distracted with Mrs. Jennings's teaching.

It was the end of the school day already and I haven't let go of Gerard's hand since he grabbed mine in 4th hour. We haven't chattered like we did yesterday, we mostly enjoyed the comfortable silence between us. In science we had a pop quiz so we couldn't talk anyway, but we held hands. In study hall we did our English homework, then cuddled in the corner of the library where the teacher couldn't see us. In drama, we sat in the back of the theater and watched the actors and actresses read their scripts and act. I may or may not have snuggled against Gerard and nuzzled my head against his neck. I didn't want to let go of his hand, but his locker was down a different hallway and Gerard had to go to his work.

    We stopped at the beginning of my hallway, which was mostly cleared out by now.

"Gerard... I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" I ask, my hand getting sweaty. He gave me a small smile and replied, "Yeah, of course, Toria." Then he bent his head down and gave me a peek on my lips. I blushed like mad and shifted my weight.

"Um, bye," I told him, waving to him. He gave me a small smile and waved back. I gave him a quick, needed hug, then ran to my locker. I quickly opened my locker and quickly shoved my books that I needed for homework into my bag. I ran outside where Frank, Ray, and Mikey were waiting for me.

    "Tori! You took so long!" Frank whined at me, then draped himself on me like a human rag doll and I had to hold him up.

"Frank, get off her," Ray grabbed Frank's shoulder and pulled him off me.

"You took a long time," Mikey said as we started on our way to Frank's house. I shrugged and shoved my hands in my zip up sweater pocket. I felt a slip of paper in there and pulled it out. On it, it had a phone number and the name 'Gee' with a small heart. 'Gee' probably was Gerard. He must of slid the paper into my pocket when I hugged him.

"What's that?" Frank squealed from my left, his eye on the paper in my hands.

"Nothing, Frank," I shoved the note into my pocket. He raised an eyebrow at me, "It didn't look like nothing."

"Looked like someone's phone number," Mikey spoke up.

"It wasn't!" I lied.

"It had a heart on it," Mikey said.

"What the hell, Mikes?" I yelled, glaring at him. He kept his poker face and shrugged.

"If it's nothing, why can't we see it?" Ray asked from in front of all of us.

"Fine, it's something, but is nothing to you guys," I rephrased myself.

"Let me see it!" Frank whine, stomping his foot. I hid a smile at Frank acting like a child.

"No! Get your own phone number!" I yelled, swatting away his hand that was reaching for my pocket that had Gerard's paper.

"Just give me the Goddamn thing!" Frank jumped at me. I threw my hands up in order to protect my face. I felt his hands slip into my pockets.

"No!" I squealed. I was going to take any action necessary to stop him from getting that paper. I threw myself forward at the ground, hoping Frank would let me go. Luckily, he took his hands out of my pockets to try to push me off him. I rolled off of him, not caring if I crushed him with my boney figure.

"Ugh! Fuck, Toria! You have some bony hips!" Frank groaned, rubbing his lower stomach, where my hip bones were pressing into him.

    I glanced over at Mikey to see what his reaction to that would be. He kept his poker face , but I could see the disappointment in his eyes when our's locked. I looked away, feeling embarrassed, guilty, nervous, and depressed.

"Come one. Frank, you don't want to be late," Ray said. I wasn't sure if he could tell how I was feeling, or if he truly didn't want Frank late for whatever he had planned. Frank jumped off the ground and dusted himself off.

"Can't be fucking late; can't be fucking dirty," Frank muttered under his breath, but he was pretty loud about it because we all heard him and we all laughed.

"What? I have to go to fucking church with my mom and have everyone nag at me about how I fucking dress, my music, my tattoos, and my piercings. They all need to fuck off and suck my cock," Frank gestured to his groin.

"Frank, manners. There is a lady present!" Mikey scolded. Frank shrugged his shoulders and said, "Hey, I gotta run. Don't want to be late," before jogging down the road to his house.

"Yeah, my brother is visiting from college tonight, so I want to get home to help my mom. I'll see you guys tomorrow, yeah?" Ray asked before giving us a small wave good bye, then started to jogging to his house too.

    Mikey and I started walking to his house in silence for a few minutes before Mikey asked, "Do you want to talk?" I shook my head madly. I didn't want to talk about anything.

"Why not? I'm not going to judge you...," Mikey told me. I just shrugged and hunched my shoulders. Mikey sighed, “Tori… I’m here to talk, okay? Here… This is my number. Text me or call me at any time.” He handed me a slip of paper. I shoved it into my pocket, not caring if I ripped it. I wasn’t going to talk to Mikey about me throwing up my food and starving myself. I didn’t even want to talk to Gerard about it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Tori," Mikey told me, waved then walked to his house.