Revelations and anguish

3

I didn't know I'd nodded off till he woke me.

"I'm done practicing for today P'Saint. Shall we go home?"

There it is again. 'P'Saint'. He used to call me 'babe' or 'Saint' when we are alone. Now he is back to that. We are lovers, not Nong and Phi. I dearly regret feeling uncomfortable being addressed that way in public. I always used to complain and ask him to call me 'phi'. Now I miss his loving endearments. Ironical. Still, I smiled and nodded. "Saint will drive Perth home today." He stared at me for a while, then; "P' my car is here. I'll tail you in it."

"Babe, let Saint take care of it na." I was hoping he'd remember about the 'babe' thing. I waited in expectation.

"I need it for tomorrow P'. I have to go to uni tomorrow."

I was disappointed. He won't call me babe or pick a hint and he refused to let me drive him home. I pouted at him, giving sad puppy eyes.

"Perth is so mean. Perth gets to drive Saint around, but Perth won't let Saint drive him around." I intentionally used 'Pete-lines' and 'Pete-charms' hoping to guilt-trip him into letting me drive him home. He stared at me in confusion.

"huh?"

That's all he said! I pouted a bit more and huffed, turning my face away, pretending to be mad. From the corner of my eyes I could see him scratching at the back of his head, still looking confused. So cute.

"Is P'Saint feeling well?"

"No! You won't let me take you home! I'm being mad at you!" his face had an expression that clearly said he thought I was crazy, as he finally agreed.

"ok ok. Don't be mad at me. You can drive me home."

I suppose I'll count that as a victory. A small one but it was all I had for now.

A short 'Perth POV'

P'Saint was being weird today. I mean, he has never come here like this and stuff. And bringing me dinner too. It's sweet. Too sweet. And then he is behaving like 'Pete'. I sighed internally as I went along with it. Maybe this is all just a figment of my imagination. It's known to weave quite elaborate scenarios every once in a while. Maybe I have fallen asleep in the middle of practice and I'm dreaming. I'll wake up sooner or later. I always do....

***

I let him go about his work once we got home. He said he had some assignments to do. I knew he was trying to avoid sleeping on our bed but there was nothing I could do about it right now. Small steps at a time. I took him dinner today and drove him home. It'll have to be enough for the moment.

I lay tossing and turning on the bed. I couldn't sleep. I worried he'd have another 'episode' once I fall asleep. My mind was a mess; running in circles. I waited as the clock said 1 a.m. then 2. He has been working for too long. I got up from bed and went to see.

He has fallen asleep on the couch, lecture notes covering his face when they had slipped from his hand once he fell asleep. I picked them up, careful not to wake him. I knelt on the floor beside him, staring at his cute face. It was relaxed in sleep, no longer bearing the matured lines he had while awake. It made me realize how young he really was. He has become thinner. I never noticed till now. I sighed in regret. It's not that Perth couldn't take care of himself. But he is very attached to me. He draws life from me. He loves me. Is devoted to me. As such, he needs my attention and my company frequently. Without it, he becomes like a withered flower. I had forgotten that. He won't complain either coz he doesn't want to disrupt my work. I should have known better. He is not one to voice out things like that. I should have made time for him like a lover is supposed to.

Looking at it objectively, he deserves better. Deserves someone who would take care of him with the same devotion and love. The thought torments me. But I can never let go of my little lover. I'll never let anyone else have him. I do love him. So much.

I bent down to kiss his forehead. "I love baby Perth na...."

I nuzzled his hair as I inhaled his scent; a mix of cinnamon and vanilla, usually a disgusting combo, but coming from him; it's heavenly. "I promise to take better care of you little one."

Later, I was struck by how oddly reminiscent my actions were, to those done by him the other day. I smiled. We were both so much alike. Giving him another kiss on his soft hair, I went to the room to fetch some blankets and a pillow to sleep on. I put them on the floor and went to sleep next to my cute lover, holding his hand that was hanging off the edge of the couch to my heart.