Revelations and anguish

5

Saturday dawned bright. I was excited about today. I told my lover when and where to meet me in the evening before we left for our respective works.

A short 'Perth POV'

I swear I was gonna meet him but.....i saw this thing on twitter with his screen-partner. It made me sick because it was reminiscent of what we used to be like. I threw up my lunch. I called him to cancel but he sounded excited about whatever it was, so I didn't say anything other than confirm that I'll see him. I couldn't bear to disappoint him.

***

He came on the dot. He looked so very handsome, it set my heart racing. It was already pounding the entire day with excitement and nerves. This is the first time I'm taking him out on a date after a long time. I held the car door open, asking him to get into the car.

"Where are we going P'?"

"Wait and see na. You will like it."

The ride was silent. I looked at him from the corner of my eye every once in a while. He blinked repeatedly and the corner of his mouth kept quivering.

"Perth? Did something happen?"

"Nothing P'. Just tired. Long day."

'Liar'. But I couldn't say anything. I had no solid grounds to accuse him of lying and pull the truth from him. Something has happened between today morning and now. Something to do with ZS. My little lover was hurt again and not telling me as usual. I kept a hand on his thigh. I felt him stiffen. A quick glance his way showed me that his eyes were darting every which way, as if trying to find somewhere to run. I changed lanes and parked the car on the roadside.

"Perth? Baby, tell P' what happened?"

"Nothing....nothing happened."

"Then why are you scared and upset?"

"I'm not!"

I turned him towards me by his shoulders. He quickly buried his face in my neck, hiding it from me. He held me tight. I could feel him take deep, gulping breaths.

"Just happy we are going out."

I knew he was saying it to conceal his negative emotions from me. I wanted to confront him, but before that, I wanted to learn why he is hiding things from me. I had my assumptions. But I had to be sure.

"Me too little one"

He pulled out of the hug and smiled at me. It looked tired.

"Let's go na"

I nodded and started driving.

***

If I thought we were going to have a lovely romantic dinner date today, I was wrong. He sat there in front of me, shoulders drawn in, looking so tiny and lost that my heart ached the whole time. He complimented each dish that was brought to him, telling me he loved it and it was quite delicious. I knew he wasn't lying, not completely; he loves food. But I also knew he wasn't really enjoying them. His eyes were darting everywhere and barely settled on me except when he talked about said food. It took me a while to understand that my lover wanted to breakdown and that he was doing all he can to hold whatever pain inside him. By the time the deserts were brought in, his small frame has begun to tremble minutely. I quickly and discretely paid the tab and waited for him to finish eating. As soon as he finished, I whisked him home. I was worried the whole time we went as his body kept curling in on itself.

I knew he needed the privacy. So, I told him I had to see my mae and made a show of leaving our home. I sat outside the door listening to his sobs and wails, my heart tearing apart as I was forced to hear it instead of comforting my sweetheart. It was even worse since I knew I was the cause for his distress.

***

A short 'Perth POV'

I could barely hold it together. He kept a hand on my thigh on our way to wherever making bile rise up my throat as I remembered what I saw today. The same gesture. The same fucking gesture. It was fan-service but it fucking hurt.

He took me to a diner that serves French dishes. I love French food. They are so tasty. But tonight, it might as well have been ash I was eating as I felt no taste. I kept wanting to throw up. My appetite was gone since today afternoon, but I couldn't let him know that. If he knew I was getting upset over his work-partner, he'd leave before I can say 'chicken'. P'Saint is busy and won't have the patience nor time to put up with a childish, immature, jealous tantrum from me.

P'Saint now, was not the P'Saint from before. Long ago, I would have spoken to him about this. But despite the fact that we live together now, we hardly speak or even see each other anymore. It has come to a point where living with him has become painful to me and several times, I considered moving out. Yet, I didn't. I couldn't. I will have him in whatever way he is willing to be with me. I know it is I who will end up getting hurt, but I couldn't bear to leave him. The once sacred act of making love has turned into something as good as a booty-call and yet I was unwilling to leave. Even though we are physically close, I feel as if we are planets apart from each other.

These were dishes I have already tried with my mom, so I had no problem complimenting them. Besides, I have been getting the ominous feeling that he was gonna leave me anyway and was just being nice to me before he broke me to pieces. I made a promise to myself to enjoy what time he is willing to give me before he does that, but it was so hard. I was a burden to him. An unwanted responsibility that weighted him down, keeping him from flying high. If I was more of a man, I would have let him go free already. But I'm a coward and couldn't bear to break-up with him. An immature child trapped in a stupid little dream of love.