Art of contact

Shattered

#disclaimer

I always pick up all the peaces and stand up tall. It takes time and power, that is hard to come by.
Read this with caution! Truth is a LIE and LIE it the only truth. Everyhing inside co-exists at the same time.

What is it to be shattered? What does it mean to separate yourself from the world and accept the pain that is hiding whithin? Where to loo for the help?

I am scared of myself because I want to keep the control and never let go, and be sure about lal of my actions and everything I do. 
But that is impossible. I do this all the time with the illusion that something might change.

Why does it have to come to the thought that the world won't stop spinning if I wouldn't be here? Why thare is all of this? Why am I unable to speak the truth and what is the truth? I want to let go. But it grabs me with all of the power and pulls me underwater. Under the surface, that acts lie this perfect self consceous figure. Someone that cannot be broken or tilted in the wrong direction.

Why me? 

I keep comming into this moment because I am not able to fix something hidden inside me that was broken a long time ago. I want to burry it all again with another level of the stupid game, in the stupid world. The one that helps us hide all of the things we don't want to see. 

I want to forget and push it all back down. But there is no purpose in that. I need to remember so I can solve this. So I can go forward and I won't be followed by my past. 
Do I even want to cry? I always thought it was the need for all attention. That it was okey, to express yours emotions and use it as a way out. It is still the same thing. It is pushing it away. 

Reality is a LIE. There is nothing to hold on. There is nothing that is real, everything fells like beeing there is only for the reasons all the way forward and back in a circle. 
Sometimes I feel this urge to stop. To stop speaking and to stop feeling. Almost of not beeing. But I always cheer up and become the mask again. Becuse it is nice. But everything fells like a LIE. 
I feel like a LIE that is given to the others on a silver plate so they don't see everything inside. It is all like I am not the one that has the control. It all feels like I am on the passenger side. Even though I am trying to drive, it makes almost no difference. 

I don't know for sure what about me is the truth. Wheather the true me is the cheerful joyful bearded face that tells all the feelings and emotions to strangers or I am the hidden face from the world hidden in games and with permanent headphones in my ears. 

I don't want to feel, I want to be careless and free of all the feelings. I want to..
Do whatever comes to my mind.