What We Seek

Part 12

Chapter Twelve

Things stop hurting when alcohol, music, and tons of other drunk people are involved. Well, that's a lie; they just stop being all you focus on. I was between a woman and a man who both seemed to be fighting for my presence for the night. I chose to focus on the man.

You look like my Eds. I think I can make you a daddy just like him. If we make him jealous, would it fix our problems? I think it might...oh, shit.

I ran off the dancefloor, leaving the two to enjoy each other's grinding motions. I barely managed to make it to the toilet before I puked out all seven drinks I had just forced down my throat. The burning was awful, but the feeling I earned for partially sobering up was worse.

Did I really just consider that? Why do I do this shit to myself, my team, my friends, and...Eddie. I wish I had never ruined his life. I wish, I wish, I wish!

One tear turned back into a waterfall. I had ups and downs when I was drunk but this was different. I only knew one thing; I had ruined Eddie's life.

"I have to disappear. I've messed him up. I took him from the only safe lifestyle he had. Now he has no car, home, and...family...FUCK! FUCK! JUST FUCKING DAMMIT!"

I stood up, forcing my body to leave the bathroom and return to the streets. I wandered while I wondered what if Pennywise would be happy with the way things were.

Knew my dirty little secret, didn't you? Well, I almost wish you'd killed me then and there for it. But no, you're a dead, pathetic clown that made all this shit happen. The others knew I was no good for Eddie. They still supported us. Why would they want him to suffer like this?! Bill and Mike and Bev and Ben, they were made to be, but the Trashmouth and the Hypochondriac Risk Analyst? I bet they would be there for me right now, even if this is all my fault...wait.

I knew exactly what I had to do after thinking through it, albeit while I was still mostly drunk. I managed to get back to the apartment building where I was stopped by Todd.

"Richie, shit! You've never come back like this man, you better go rest up because if Eddie comes back to find you like that..."

"Todd, you've been a good man. I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through. I hope I'll see you again someday."

"Richie, what are you ta..."

I hugged Todd suddenly, leaving him quickly to enter the building. I ran up the stairs rather than taking the elevator; a mother and daughter already entering made me feel too upset to share a confined machine with them. I threw the door open, rushing in without bothering to close it behind me. A new Jack Daniels was opened as I grabbed a pen and one of Eddie's notepads. It had all kinds of tour information on it.

I wish I could see these with him, but maybe he can visit them with them instead. I hope he smiles when they see the cities and drive the scenic routes.

I left the note sitting on the counter as I ran to get a bag packed. I only took a few sets of clothes, a pair of sneakers, my hygiene stuff, and the shorts I had begged him to buy.

He won't want these, so I'll keep them as my one memory of him. Fuck, no time for being weak and sentimental.

I took one last good look around the place I had always known to be good and true. I only saw where he wasn't and multiple lies I had told him that everything for us would be 'peachy-keen.'

Goodbye, LA. Goodbye, Richie 'Trashmouth' Tozier. Goodbye, Edward Kaspbrak. I...I will never stop loving you until the day you die.

The door slammed behind me as I ran out onto the street so fast that Todd couldn't even speak to me. I never knew but the note was tear-stained.