What We Seek

Part 2

Chapter Two

I opened my eyes slowly, the entirety of my head pulsing with a headache and I saw that I was in the grass at the edge of Neibolt Street. The other Losers were around me but focused on their own thoughts. The light felt overwhelming and it reminded me a lot of the deadlights, giving me a moment of fear and pain on top of my bruised and pounding brain.

It's okay, man. It is dead and everyone is safe, you just probably have a concussion.

I took into account the different things happening around me. Ben and Bev were sitting side-by-side with their hands interwoven together. Bill and Mike sat very close on my other side and were talking happily. Then I suddenly sat upright realizing who I wasn't seeing instead of who I was.

"Eddie?! EDS?!!"
"Richie! Woah! Slow down before you pass out again!"

I realized that I had been laid out, my head resting in Eddie's lap.

He helped me into a standing position as the others stood and came over to us. He smiled at me, the grime and sweat covering his face still, and I felt like a new man.

No more fucking clown. No more closeted feelings. No more lonely comedian joking away his sorrows. I am a freed Loser and I am his, even if he doesn't want me.

"Hey, Eddie Spaghetti, I think I'm not gonna peace out anymore, so I'll be okay standing up. Unless you want to keep touching my hips?"

He let go of me in a careful way to ensure I didn't topple over. Then, in another miracle event, he started laughing. It was pure, giddy laughter that spread to the others and myself. I couldn't tell if it was exhaustion or mania, but it was a good and reliving sound to my ears. Bill started talking first, his stutter gone once more; nobody commented on that fact because it didn't shock any of us.

"We should go jump off the rock face of the Quarry like we did that summer."

No words were said to agree, we just all started walking towards the Quarry. I knew that eventually, I would have to confess to Eddie using words, not just my lips, so I gathered up my thoughts and feelings for him as each step took us closer to our destination. We arrived after a fifteen-minute walk, each of us leaving our shoes and other possessions outside the fence we had to hop to jump.

I think this is a good spot to do this. Also, if he hates it, I just jump for the land instead of the water.

"Guys, can you go ahead? I want to say some stuff to Eduardo here before we take a swim."

The other Losers jumped one-by-one while Eddie and I watched. He had a faint smile on his face after Mike finally jumped. His simple and raw contentment made me worried that I'd make him frown with what I had to say, but I knew I had to go for it then. He turned to face me and I took his hands into mine, holding them in my palms with his small hands facing up.

"Eddie, Eds, Eddie Spaghetti, Eduardo, Edward, man, I have such a long list to choose from now, but I'll say Eddie, because I know the other nicknames annoy you, even if you like them secretly. When we first met, I felt something naive and exciting go off inside me screaming, 'this boy is special and I like him.' I realized over time that I had found you attractive and that I loved your personality, yes, even the germaphobic moments from your little kindergarten self had their charm. I knew deep down that it made me gay but admitting it to you felt unwise and impossible in a place like Derry."

I took an unsteady breath as I continued.

"Then the clown came to town. He made all you afraid and I had no idea what was really happening; then the day came where I met with the entity you guys had all faced when we entered the house. I had hoped and prayed you would get the longest straw because I saw the look on your face when we had to decide who went and who waited outside; mortified would not cover half of it. When you got separated, I wasn't really scared for me and Bill, but I thought about you. I put my bravery into reuniting with you so you didn't have to be afraid. When I found you so close to Pennywise in that kitchen, I felt one thing that I had never felt before: pure heartbreak. I didn't want to lose you and I hated seeing you hurt so badly. I was beyond frustrated after your mother took you away from me. I should say 'us' but that's not important. I went to the Paramount the day after fighting with Bill; I knew your mom would never let you out to join me, so I played violent games to work out my emotions. I was disgusted with myself for loving you but letting you get hurt. I thought over and over as I punched and kicked the computer characters, 'Why didn't I protect him better. I know I'm not good enough for him. What if I never see him again because his mother coddles him or he agrees with Bill?' Then I got bullied for being gay by Bowers's cousin who I tried to pretend was you. I asked him to play me just one too many times, so Bowers called me all kinds of gay slurs to ensure I knew who I was."

Eddie's face dropped as he thought of Bowers, his hands leaving mine, coming to touch his face in a reaction he hadn't seemed to plan for.

"At least I'm glad I killed him, even if I am damned for it; all the injury and pain he's caused for us Losers, especially you, was his own fault. This entire long story was just my way of setting up for this: Eddie, I love you. I knew as soon as I saw you in that Chinese restaurant that you were what I was missing in life. know you're married and straight, but I had to tell you this in case I lose my chance; I guess I should've done it before the battling a galactic child-eater, so my bad. As for that kiss, it was at least thirty-five years of stored desire, so please forget about it if it isn't something you truly want. I just had to let you know all of this because I saw things in the deadlights... things that reminded me of how temporary life can be. I want to spend the rest of my pitiful days with you because you're the only one who I've ever known and enjoyed my time with so much. I will follow wherever you go and I will do everything in my power to make you happy. However, if you don't want me with you, if you don't love me back and you want to go home to Myra after this and continue your career, I'll understand. I can go ahead and tell you I will follow you and I will not leave you alone; you're too crucial to my life for me to go back to my lonely apartment in California and keep trying to drink myself to sleep. Hell, I'll even be the trashy but fun uncle someday if that's what you want for yourself, and of course, if you'll allow me around your kids. Just know, that you are the bravest, most impressive, and magnificent man I've ever met. I'm done now, so if you want to think about all this shit I've said, then I'll be okay with waiting a while. Just let me know when you leave so I can follow you in my car back to New York City."

Eddie didn't speak right away, he just stood in front of me, his arms crossed and his eyes blinking every few seconds.

That went about as well as I expected it to. I said I'd aim for the land but I promised to be an uncle, so I guess I'll have to stick around and joke until I don't feel as alone as I usually do. I'm proud I told him though, even if this ruins us, he knows he has real love from me.

About a minute had passed, the only indication of change being the wind blowing in the trees near us. I heard the other Losers laughing faintly as they splashed around in the waters below the cliff. I had turned my head to look their direction for a few seconds. As I turned back towards Eddie, he was standing much closer than he had been and he was looking up into my eyes. His hands swiped my cheeks softly, drying up tears that had managed to sneak out of my eyes without me noticing. I realized I had cried for most of the confession. The tears kept coming, and after a few swipes from his gentle fingers, his hands remained still on my face.

"Richie, I love you too."

He leaned in slowly, letting our lips converge without any more resistance, and we both leaned into each other's passion. Our tongues met and danced for a few seconds, but we ultimately understood that it wasn't meant to be a wet and dirty kiss. His hands came up to my curly hair as mine wrapped down around his neck.

And I thought the other kiss was amazing...this and him and everything right now is heaven.

We pulled apart after another few seconds. I knew our feelings had been implied, but our eyes had given away our hidden selves without a single utterance. I offered him my left hand, rubbing his right as it fit perfectly into mine. Then I gestured towards the edge to let him know it was time to join the others. He leaned in for one more quick kiss.

I love him more than life, and he loves me too.

We ran together off the edge of the cliff, our hands only separating when we had to swim to the surface of the water.