For The Better

Diana

I went straight to my grandma's house. I talked to her earlier and she had cooked some New Orleans style gumbo! I haven't had some gumbo since I left New Orleans 5 years ago. "Hey granny!" I said rushing through the door. "Hey Diana! Oh my look at my great grand baby! She looks so beautiful!" I took Patience out of the car seat and passed her to my grandma.

i sat down on the couch next to them. My grandma was making baby noises making Patience laugh and I couldn't help but to giggle myself at my baby's laughter. It was the cutest moment ever.

"She looks just like you Diana!" My grandma said. "She looks just like Danielle." I said. Danielle is my mom. You know, the crack head that over dosed? Yeah, my mom's name is Danielle, my grandma's name is Denise and my name is Diana. Weird right? My grandma said all the females in my family's names starts with a D. Its our family tradition. Well, a tradition I broke naming my daughter Patience.

"She does, I know you're sensitive when it comes to talking about your mom bu-" I cut my grandma off and said "I don't care about her. She is dead and gone." I said. "Now Diana, don't say that, your mother loved you with all of her heart." my grandma said. "THEN WHY DID SHE DO DRUGS? WHY WAS SHE NEVER HOME WITH ME? WHY DIDN'T SHE EVER TELL ME SHE LOVED ME?" I snapped. My grandma looked at me in shock. "Whatever, where is the Gumbo?" I asked. She pointed to the big tin pot on the stove.

I got up and went to fix me a plate. I'm sitting at the kitchen table over this big bowl of N.O gumbo I fixed when I had a flashback.

I was at my my auntie's house back in New Orleans, I was about 9. I was sitting at her kitchen table eating gumbo when my mother suddenly stumbled through the living room with a bloody face. A man ran in behind her kicking my mother and yelling "BITCH, YOU BETTER NEVER IN YO LIFE STEAL FROM ME." My mother was crying and my auntie and my cousins were trying to push the man off my mother. I jumped up and started hitting the man, he pushed me down and I hit my head on the end table.

When the man left, I ran up to my mother and tried to hug her but she wouldn't allow me to touch her. I shook my head shaking the memory from my mind and I started back eating.

Every now and then I will have flashbacks of my troubled child hood. Like my mother being a drug addict. She wasn't always a drug addict. When I was 10, my mother when to rehab and got clean. She came out, got a job and she was doing really well. At that point of time, I loved my mother so much. For five days, my mother went out and did crack again.

On the first day, she said it was a one time thing, she pinky promised me she would never do it again. On the second day, I found her passed out on the bathroom floor. On the third day, she got fired from work. On the fourth day, she explained to me how much of a mistake I was. On the fifth day, she died from overdose.

I cried so much behind my mothers mistakes that I just wont allow myself to cry behind her anymore. When I cry, I cry for myself, for my own heart ache behind the struggles in my own life. Darius, he was the love of my life... we were inseparable... now we are so far apart. When I sleep, I wrap up in the covers because where I was once warm, is now very very cold.

***************

I woke up to Darius bitching on the phone. "What you mean you lost the money?" I said into the phone with a sleepy tone. "I.... had it in my wallet, its gone now" he said. I rolled my eyes. I glanced at Patience sleeping soundly. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom. "I already gave you my half" I said into the phone. "Where is the money Darius?" I asked. He hung up in my face. I packed Patience bags and left to deal with Darius irresponsible ass.