Never Look Back: A New Dawn

To Heaven and Back - 12

        The warm, summer sun was beginning to lower behind the horizon of trees, dragging down a hazy, pink and orange sky with it. My frail legs forced themselves on the endless journey up the hill of lush, vibrant green grass, hoping to see the single, large, towering oak and the house built into it. I walked with her, almost forcing her feet to move with me as I kept her locked onto my hand. Her grip was weak, and moving with her was like pulling dead weight.

        We reached the top, found the fateful tree we faced last night, and then rested our backs against it while sitting along the ground, still moist from the storm. The tire tracks from Xavier’s SUV made its imprint onto the soil, but his car and body was gone, just like Rose said. Hannah, for whatever reason, loved this spot. She could live in the treehouse above if I let her. I had to make sure the area appeared untouched to her innocent, adolescent eyes. Somehow, laying up here in the setting sun with her cradled under my arm made her worsening sickness seem to settle. She still shook and coughed, but the constant vomiting stopped once she got some fresh air, and the memory of me remained intact. I didn’t know for how long. An hour from now I’d probably be a stranger to her.

        The fever was already burning her out; she was like a radiator in my arms. My clothes were damp from the sweat rolling off of her, but also from the nerves that racked me. Every time I thought of reaching for the pistol I had tucked in the back of my pants, I got the chills. My hand, wet from the tears I wiped off my face, had stroked her light brown locks, tangled and matted from the blood and vomit she coughed up earlier. I peered back out to the house, wishing I could run back inside with her in my arms, and we could sit down and share a meal together, but that was nothing more than a fantasy. We were sitting here for only one reason, and from looking into the kitchen window, I could see Rose’s watering eyes, quivering lips, and troubled expression. I nodded, hoping she could see, and she then disappeared from my vision. Neither one of us could bear it.

        “How you feelin’, baby?” I asked while gripping onto her hand tighter with each passing moment.

        “Same as before,” she replied, her voice meek. A long period of uncomfortable silence passed. There was nothing but the electric-like buzz of cicadas, which weren’t very common this far down south, but in the summer, all sorts of creatures came out from their usual habitats. I never knew why, but she always liked the sound they made, but I’m sure if she ever got the chance to see one up close she’d change her attitude.

        “You hear that?” I said.

        “Uh-huh.”

        “Cicadas, just like back at home.” She giggled, her small body jerking with each laugh she struggled to stifle. “What is it?”

        “Nothing. They just have a funny name… Daddy, can I ask-” She coughed. “Can I ask you something?” I nodded.

        “What is it, darlin’?”

        “Grandma told me yesterday that my mom would be proud of me… What does that mean? I never thought about it much, but you never told me why I’m different. Everyone else I know has a mom but me, and I never knew why… Where’s my mom?” My head bowed lugubriously, my eyes staring at the thin, freshly cut blades of grass, hoping I could find an answer buried beneath or written in the deep brown soil.

        “I didn’t want to tell you for a long time,” I began, still looking at the ground, but I forced myself to meet her inquisitive eyes. “You know how we came here because my dad died?” She nodded. “Well, death is part of life… It happens to everyone. Your mom was a kind, loving woman, and she would’ve done anything to be with you right now and watch you grow up, but sometimes things don’t always go as planned.” I paused, trying to refrain from the oncoming sore throat and burning eyes. “She’s lookin’ down on us, and she’s smiling, and she’s so happy because she sees the beautiful girl you’ve turned out to be… She’s so proud of you… I’m proud of you. Do you understand?” I asked.