capsize me and douse me in your bay

chapter twenty seven

Aside from the soft rock classics from the speakers, the ride home was silent. Every time Toni peered out the corner of her eye, Cheryl had her arms folded against her chest with her jaw clenched tightly and distress written across her face. And to make matters worse, Toni caught sight of her brushing tears from her cheeks every few moments. And she hated knowing that this time, it was all her fault. She had only been trying to help Cheryl move on, it wasn't like she did it to hurt her.

Pulling up to the apartment, Cheryl didn't bother to wait for her. Toni wasn't that far behind, but she was left trailing a few paces after her into the building and up the stairs to their door. Sifting through her array of keys, Toni tried not to let the awkward silence between them intimidate her as she unlocked the door, letting Cheryl in first before she followed, locking the door behind her.

"So are you just not gonna talk to me for the rest of the night?" she sighed, slipping her jacket off while the redhead did the same.

"Why would you do that, Toni?" Cheryl's voice sent a chill down her spine. It was a voice she had never heard from her before. She'd seen Cheryl through some dark times, but she had never seen her angry like she was now.

"Cheryl...I'm sorry," Toni offered, not sure of what else to say, "I found it in your pocket, I wasn't thinking. I just...that necklace has caused you so much stress lately. Like I told you before, I'm so sick of seeing how upset you get every time you try to get it to work. I was just trying to help you move on."

"But it was mine! You did not even ask me!" the redhead raised her voice as her eyes filled with angry tears.

The older girl was shocked at the outburst, but couldn't help but match her volume, "Well, Cheryl, you wouldn't have just let me do it! You were so attached to it, clinging to hope that it would work! If I hadn't done it, who knows how long you would have kept trying!"

"I do not know but it was all I had! I do not have anything to remind me of my old home and my friends! Your parents are no longer here, but you still have photos, and your locket, and people to tell you stories about them! I do not have that here! The necklace was all I had!"

Toni's heart sunk in her chest as she realized what the necklace actually was the Cheryl. She may have been holding onto false hope that it would magically bring back her tail, but it was also the only thing she had to remind her of her life in the ocean. And now she had nothing but the memories in her head.

Cheryl took a deep breath and rubbed her tear-stung eyes as she lowered her voice to continue, "I know you want me to move on from that life, Toni. I am trying very hard, but I cannot just forget about it so easily. I wish I could, but I cannot. And I am...angry at you for taking my necklace away," she struggled to get the last part out.

Toni knew Cheryl was mad at her, but hearing her confirm it and say it out loud made her feel ten times worse. She wished she could go back in time and stop herself from tossing the necklace into the water. Actually, she wished that she could go back and stop Cheryl from going back to the ocean in the first place. She would do anything to avoid this situation that had Cheryl staring at her the way she was. Toni couldn't handle it.

"Cheryl, I'm so, so sor-"

Before she could even finish her sentence, the redhead turned and started walking away as a fresh batch of tears started to fall from her eyes, stopping at their bedroom door. "I know you are sorry, Toni. But I am still angry. And I think...I just want to be alone right now."

Toni watched through bleary eyes as Cheryl closed herself into the bedroom. As much as she tried to remind herself that arguments and disagreements were normal and healthy in a relationship, she couldn't shake the feeling that Cheryl would never forgive her for this. She literally threw away the only connection her girlfriend had with her old life, and her friend that meant a lot to her. She forced her to move on at a pace that she just wasn't ready for. Good intentions or not, she didn't feel like she even deserved her forgiveness for it at all. She and F.P. had a rough relationship when she was growing up, but if he had thrown away everything she had that connected her with her parents, leaving her with nothing but the limited memories a six year old could hold, she would never forgive him for it.