Before I Let You Go || Seonghwa x reader✓

18

Chapter 18 - Shatter me

I'm going to do it. I'm actually going to do it.

And it terrifies me to an unimaginable extent. Who knew this would be my irrational fear? But now I'll be able to face that fear, once and for all. For better or for worse. Or both.

I have no idea if I'll be able to hold it together. But I've got a pretty good feeling I'll break down somewhere along the way.

I tap my steering wheel anxiously as I gaze upon Seonghwa's dimly lit home. His neighbors on either side had already clocked out for the night, leaving only a porch light on to let passerbys know someone is home.

But his home has lights on in almost every room. Streaks of that yellow light peak through the blinds. Before, I would have jumped to the conclusion that maybe he wasn't alone right now. But I know better, I know myself better. Within the depths of my bones, I know he's alone in his home, but the lights shining in each room act as a stand in for company he oh-so desires. Aish. He's wasting electricity...

This was my home too, at one point. But it turned it a second home. Then it turned into a home I'd visit regularly. And finally, it just turned into a regular home. I no longer shared any relevance with it.

We cut ties a long time ago.

I have to do this. I can't wait and prolong this anymore.

I can't keep contemplating my actions. I just have to do it.

I take in a shaky breath and exit my car, slamming the door in a gentle and smooth motion.

After a month, I'm going to see his face again.

As I walk up to his porch, I plead with myself to stay strong. Please, don't fall weak once you see him, Y/n.

My hand trembles considerably as I ring the doorbell. My heart pounds so fast against my rib cage, I almost think it'll burst through.

It's like the world is moving in slow motion. A whole lifetime has passed before Seonghwa opens the door.

And as we stand face to face, I retain my strength. He's dressed in a white t-shirt and blue pajama pants, presumably getting ready for bed if not already. He looks surprised to see me, even fighting back a smile. But he knows I'm here to give him my answer, so he tries not to think of this visit as a reunion.

"Hey." I greet him the same way he greeted me when he brought me flowers that one morning.

"H-hey."

I stand there awkwardly for a few moments before he realizes and hurriedly rushes me inside.

We both find ourselves in the middle of his living room. His movie from Netflix had been paused and a small plate of half eaten food resides on his coffee table. Some blankets and pillows are basically sprawled everywhere, and that's when I realize he's been sleeping down here for quite some some. It almost makes me believe he is afriad of his own bed. Hey, maybe he is. Maybe each time he looks at it or lays in it...he is reminded of his huge, fucking mistake.

"So..." He starts, avoiding eye contact with me entirely. He's nervous; he bites his bottom lip and picks at his finger tips - a habit he's always had when he's riddled with anxiety.

And it almost breaks my heart to see that. Almost.

"So." I repeat. I'm honestly too afraid to say it straight out. Even though I'm here to set the record straight, I still manage to prolong it.

But the tension in the air becomes too unbearable, even for him. He breaks the small silence and forces our gazes to have a reunion. "Have you decided...?"

I bite the inside of my cheek and nod.

He takes in a sharp breath and his eyes pool with worry. He stands static, waiting for my answer. I've been tortured by him for weeks. And now I'm torturing him.

I want to tell him it bluntly. But there's one thing still bugging me. I've already gathered one piece of closure, but I still have yet to collect the very last pieces of it.

And it's the why of it all.

He never truly explained it to me.

Why did he cheat?

What was better about her than me?

Was I the problem??

Seonghwa, you never told me why.

And I need to know. I have the right to know. That's the least you can do for me, right? Even after all this? You can tell me, right? You can tell me everything, right?

My mouth becomes dry and I fix my hand into a tight fist, digging my nails deep. I shift my gaze to the ground and sigh as the feeling of crying takes a jab at me once more.

It was inevitable.

I was going to cry here regardless.

Because apart of me will always love him. And I do believe him when he says he loves me. Except there's a huge difference between being in love, and just loving someone.

The hammering in my chest only increases. With a deep breath as I try to recollect myself, I meet his eyes again. And as he sees my watering ones... he knows exactly what it means.

This is it...

This is the last page of a long and tedious novel.

This is when the curtain closes.

This is when the screen fades to black.

This is where I let you go...

But we're not quite done yet, are we?

No, we're not. I still crave answers.

So Park Seonghwa, before I let you go, I want you to shatter me...

One.

Last.

Time.