christmas orphan // muke

9

"My story. Well. There's a lot to say actually. I've tried telling people before but they just leave me. I'm not scared to tell you though. Even though you've hurt me, I'm not mad. You're different to me.

Anyway. I was born in Sydney, and I lived with my mum and dad. They never loved me. I tried my hardest to get them too. They abused me, starved me, even locked me in my room for days at a time. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 8. They gave me up at the age of 9. My mum dies a year later. I got to the orphanage and immediately felt out of place. I was older than everyone, and I had no one to talk to, except for a little boy named Ashton who would visit his mums work sometimes. Someone would come into adopt, and look around, and we would all clean up our areas, wanting to get picked. I would stay up for hours the previous day cleaning, wanting to look like the most responsible and clean child. I wanted somebody to pick me, but that still hasn't happened. By the age of twelve, I was cutting myself. I was never good enough for people to adopt me. I had to watch little kids that I had loved, leave me. Then a bunch of kids came in all in one year. We were running out of space, food, and money. I was the last one to ever get anything, but I saw how unhappy all the kids seemed to be there, so I didn't care. I was neglected. People would come to adopt, and I never cared. I stopped trying. Making me see how unhappy everyone was there, it made me change. I still inflicted pain to myself, but I didn't let anyone see how hurt I was. When high school started, I acted like the happiest person in the world. I wanted to make everyone feel like they had a place, and I wanted everyone to feel like they had somebody to count on. Id compliment people, wanting them to feel good about themselves. I never got that loving feeling back though. I never cared, or thought about nobody liking me, until the whole school announced how much they hated me. I gave up on trying to make everyone happy. I gave up on hiding my emotions.

Back at the orphanage, were still poor. We don't have enough stuff for everyone. I'm 30 pounds underweight for my height because I refuse to eat anything unless all the little kids aren't hungry anymore. I love every single one of them with all of my heart, and I never want to see them upset. I'll go around to everyone's bed and tuck them in, except for jeydon. He's 14. I'll tell every little girl how beautiful they are when I tuck them in, and I'll tell each little boy how cool they are. It's really touching to see all their little faces light up.

We can never afford anything on Christmas, so we'll all make cards, and eat cookies while sitting around the Christmas tree. They all have so much fun. Their favorite thing to do is go to the nursing home and sing to the elderly people. It's really humbling honestly.

Now, people come in to adopt. I'll guide them around, and tell them about all the kids, hoping they think I'm nice enough to adopt me. I still want a home. I still want parents, or loving siblings. I still cut myself, all the time, some have noticed it, and they don't want to take a chance with me. What they don't know is all I need is a place to be accepted."