a promenade of feeling

your body died without you |1

Would you unwrap a gift if you knew death was lurking under its satin ribbon?

They say big things come in small packages
but big things aren't always happy things
Even though I wish they were, because I would kill for a large, hot fudge sundae right now
Instead of a large crack in the side of my heart

Life or death
Determined by a palmful of multicoloured tablets
Life, too little
Death, too many
I always knew death was a trickster
hiding a cruel fate inside pills
disguised as fruity candy, colourful and appealing
melt in your tummy and turn your tongue blue
you were always so gullible

the doctor told your sugar coated ears
that these were happy pills
dissolve your jitters and nerves into gooey tongue tingling sap
and if they can get rid of these anxieties,
surely they can get rid of pain and hurt, too
for a price of course,
the price of your life
but you've never had a sense of your own self worth
so this transaction was deemed a bargain in your mind

but not in mine
or your loving girlfriend's that you never shut up about
because no price is worth paying if it means we'd never get to hear
an ounce of your voice again
and even though your laughter does sound like a woodpecker at the break of dawn
and your snarky retorts replicating a baseball to a windowpane
any words escaping your lips would be deemed to sound softer than silence
we'd be deafened by the absence of you

as we told you such
earthquakes started rippling under the skin of your hands
thunder clouds pounding against your milky skin
bringing in rough tides

I enclosed my hand around your own,
hoping that my many years of being the little blue boat
would comfort your mind safely to shore
the now calm waters reflecting an image where your fingers weren't trembling
and your sweet tooth was slowly fading;
a future waiting to play out

and maybe you didn't believe it
but the courage you showed by letting us drive
you to the hospital that night
makes me think you did

-ken m 2/2/20