The Long, Winding Road

1.

1:57 AM

Time passes by, It's nearly 2 am. My innermost thoughts eat me alive, disrupting my sleep. The walls of the room close in on me, confining me to one spot. Drips of sweat inch down my neck and I shudder from the unpleasant feeling. Bringing my knees to my chest, I wrap my arms around myself, trying to grasp some sort of comfort.

I rock my body, slamming my eyelids shut, dying to erase the images that are rushing back. It doesn't work: I can still hear his voice, see his chilling face and smell the cheap cologne. The smell hits my nostrils, and almost immediately, my stomach churns intensely from the repulsive smell.

"Mariella, don't make me hit you again."

His petrifying voice echoes throughout every part of my mind, becoming ever more fierce with every strike. His silhouette plays tricks on my mind. I don't dare open my eyes if there's a slight chance this is reality.

I repeatedly slam my palms to my temples: Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.

While being traumatized through the exposure of my father's titanic rage, my mother watched; afraid the same might happen to her. Only to later make excuses for him. She was a coward, weak: weak about confronting him about what he had been doing to me, weak to leave him, weak that she started doing the same things to me as him.

Here I am years later, hanging on by a single thread. Using everything I have to hold it together. I have been driven to despair by all I've encountered and goodness I'd lost, or never legitimately gained.

The clock strikes 2, the pain unendurable. My mind races a million thoughts a second, my heart throbs faster, harder, aching with every single thought.

Am I going crazy?

The darkness chews me up. My chest clenches tight, feeling as if a python is squeezing my heart till it could shatter. I gasp for air, but my lungs crash and I'm only suffocating. Immense pressure builds on my temples, I clench my head, begging God to just finally put me out of my misery.

The pain grows forceful, ever eager to see me cave. It takes every inch of me to try not to budge but my weakness causes me to succumb. The air hits cold on my cheeks as teardrops trickle down, pooling in my palms.

You're an embarrassment, pathetically weak.

I want a change, but don't know where to begin. I do the same things and hate where I am because life promised more. But it's easy to dream when you're wrapped in chains. It just goes to show that all I know, is how to be alone.

Brooklyn, New York: Monday, October 10th - Graduation: in roughly 10 months (kind of)

6:45 AM

I lie in bed, motionless. My body feels weak. It aches as if a heavy jacket is weighing down on me, only it's heavy bones. The sun glistens through the blinds and it's blinding rays filter through my eyelids. The faint sound of my alarm clock ticks on my bedside table—every tick slowly driving me insane. The blinds flow smoothly in the breeze from the cracked window. As the chilled air moves freely around the room, it rouses me to wakefulness from the shiver that travels up my body; goosebumps hit every crevice. I turn on my side, pulling the weighty, soft comforter over my shoulder. My eyes catch the light as I slowly open them, causing me to blink a few times in an attempt to help my eyes adjust to the glow. I hear the birds sing their tunes outside on the ledge, only it's not a melodious chorus, more like an out-of-tune racket.

Do I have to get up today?

With a lack of motivation, I push the covers off of me, exposing myself to the brisk air. I clench my aching stomach as I stand to my feet. I brace myself for the contact with the cold floorboards. I quickly wrap a blanket around myself, blocking the breeze from my bare skin. I swing the blinds open fully and the blue jay's flap away at my presence. I rub the remainders of sleep from my eyes. I gaze out the windowpane, and with breaths paused in my lungs, I look out in awe at the sunrise. The sunlight fills the entire sky, exposing the mellow oranges and pinks, it's hues illuminating each crevice of the land that creates yet another gorgeous scene. My lips curve to a smile while my eyes take in the display. Even when the world is drowning in grief and hardship, the sky will always remain beautiful.