All torn & Mixed up

Not Me

I woke up the next morning, it was eight am and I didn't want to get up. But the spilt tea from the cup that lay next to open hand forced me too. I must've fallen asleep and spilt it. I got up, avoiding the wet spot and taking the glass to the kitchen. I grabbed a towel while putting the cup in the sink.
Ashley wasn't home. Probably at work.

After I finished cleaning my bed well enough I decided a morning coffee would do me good.
So I grabbed my phone and headed out the door, I on purposely seemed in a hurry so I didn't have to talk to Becky who was just returning to Mark's apartment.
I rushed down the steps and got into my car. It had been a while since I drove. So it took some time getting back into the rhythm. But I was a quickly learner thankfully.
"Hey Ash" I greeted my friend as I entered her work. She grinned widely and dash away, she was getting me a coffee. She did it everytime I came in here.
I sat at a window booth and waved her over. She brought a frappe for me and a hot coffee for herself.
Sliding into the booth she was practically bouncing. I smiled, sliding the coffee away from her. "Immmmm not so sure you need this" "oh hush! I'm just so glad you're back!"
She had cut her hair, it was now only a bit longer than mine, which seemed weird to me, hers had always been a lot longer.
As much as i wanted to sit here an have small talk, I had somethin I wanted to ask her.
"Hey Ashley...how long did Mark look for me?" I knew that her and my family would have never given up, but clearly Mark had. I wanted to know just how much of his time my disappearance was worth. She grabbed her coffee, taking a sip and looking down into the mug. I eyed her, and she looked deeper into her caffeine. "Ash, if you go any deeper in that coffee you're gonna need a snorkel. Tell me"
She finally looked up at me, her blue eyes guilty. "A week" I gawked at her, mouth open. I stood abruptly, giving her a hug I said goodbye and rushed from the cafe. Some shit needed explaining.
But as soon as I exited the place, I was ambushed by a woman with a mic in her hand. She was clearly a reporter. "Ma'am,
Is it true that you are the girl the famous youtuber Markiplier searched for for the past two years?" She wanted an inside scoop. But I was not in the mood, I hated reporters anyways.
I looked her in the eyes, moved my mouth to the mic. "No, I'm not the Girl Mark searched for" I said blankly, then I pushed passed her and got in my car, ignoring her other questions.

My fist beat the apartment door and the banging was so loud I'm sure the neighbors all heard it.
"What!?" Mark answered, a little peeved at my aggravated knocking.
But he looked happy when he saw it was me. I shoved my way in his apartment and he shut the door behind me. Running his hand through his floppy dark hair "Lucy" he said charmingly. Did he know when to stop? He had a girlfriend, and I was NOT happy with him right now.

"A fucking week?! You only looked for me for a week??" My voice was nearly a wail. Mark had no idea what I had gone through trying to get back to this life, to him. And I wasn't sure I was going to tell him, definitely not right now!

"Lucy?" I heard a silky voice from behind me and I turned to see Becky standing there. She looked peeved.
"Oh Ya I'm sorry, you have other commitments. I'll leave you two to fuck each other while I go try to piece my whole fucking life back together after this shit storm! I'm so happy you had no trouble moving on Mark, really, I truly am happy, fucking overjoyed!"
I stormed out, shoving past Mark and slamming the door so hard the landing shook. It wasn't until I was already outside that I realized what I had done. This wasn't me. But I was hurt, maybe this WAS me, when my heart was broken.
I didn't like this side of me. I stepped down a few steps and sat down on the stairs.
I just sat there, alone, crying and then thinking, then crying some more. My sobbing was lifted for a moment by a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, Mark was standing next to me.
He sat down on the same step and brushed my straight blonde hair behind my shoulder.
I slapped his had away "Don't touch me" I snapped.
He frowned, and tried to hug me. But I as stubborn, sliding away on the wide step. "Lucy I don't understand, you've been acting different since you came back."
"No thanks to you" i seared at him, I knew it wasn't truly his fault, but it felt like it. I looked over at his soft brown eyes and was glaring at him. I never thought there would come a day when I could look him in the eye and not melt, but all I felt now was betrayal, and pain.
In some way, some where deep down, some part of me loved Mark. But right now, looking at him,and seeing how little I had obviously meant to him. It was hard to allow that love to surface,not was hard to see him as anything but a monster.
But I was a monster as well, and monsters were meant to be right? As I looked at him, Mark slid his arm around me. And deep in his eyes I detected lust.

He didn't deserve to know how much I loved him. He didn't deserve to know how much I cared and how hard I tried to come back to him. He threw me away like garbage. I deserved better, whether or not I would ever get better was a mystery to be solved another time. I stood up, glaring down at Mark with cold stare. "You left me, why should I talk to you?"

I didn't wait for an answer, I just walked up the steps and went inside. And for the first time, I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything, I didn't feel regret or pain. But not happiness either, I felt nothing.

......Nothing.